Overheard at the Vatican:

Charles Scicluna

“I don’t know what to say, Holy Father. The damn United Nations Human Relations panel didn’t buy one word of my testimony about pedophile priests. The UN contends the church enabled priests to sexually assault tens of thousands of children worldwide over decades with impunity"

Monsignor Charles Scicluna, the chief sex crimes prosecutor for the Roman Catholic Church

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Pope Francis I

“And did we do this?”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

 

“HA HA HA!”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“HA HA HA!”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

“Now they want us to remove all known or suspected child molesters from the priesthood, open our archives on abusers and the bishops who covered up for them and—get this—turn the abuse cases over to law enforcement authorities.”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“And will we do this?”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Charles Scicluna

“HA HA HA!”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“HA HA HA!”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

“The panel also says the church has not acknowledged the extent of the crimes and hasn’t taken the whole thing very seriously at all.”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“And have we failed?”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Charles Scicluna

“HA HA HA!”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“HA HA HA!”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

“The panel also holds the Vatican responsibility for all priests, parishes and Catholic schools in the world and wants us to pay compensation to all victims of sexual abuse world wide, and all of the other victims of abuse by the church in history, like the Magdalene Laundries and such.”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

 

“And will we pay out this money?”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Charles Scicluna

 “HA HA HA!”

Monsignor Scicluna

- - -

Pope Francis I

 “HA HA HA!”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

“But wait, Holy Father. They aren’t done yet! The panel also wants the Vatican to allow abortions in cases where the mother’s health is in jeopardy! And they want sex education, including information about CONTRACEPTION to be mandatory in Catholic schools around the world! The panel also wants us to condemn discrimination against homosexual children or children raised by gay couples!”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“And will we do all of these very logical and very kind and loving things?”

Pope Francis I

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Charles Scicluna

 

“Fuck no.”

Monsignor Scicluna

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Pope Francis I

“Damn right we won’t. Tell the panel I said to fuck off. But don’t do it until 2017. That’s when our response is due.”

Pope Francis I

Overheard in Geneva:

Charles Scicluna

“We get it! We see the problem! What? You want us to turn over data about the scale of the problem? You want us to provide information about alleged priestly pedophiles being hidden and protected in Vatican City? You want us to prosecute pedophiles using real law enforcement agencies? But what can we do? The Vatican is not responsible for the individual priests! The bishops in their own countries are! We do not control what the priests do with their penises! What? Did the Vatican ever send out directives for the bishops not to make reports to police about suspected pedophiles, whether or not it was mandated by law? Well, uhm… might I interest you in this magnetic plastic Jesus that will sit on your car’s dashboard to watch over and protect you while you are traveling? All proceeds benefit Pope Francis I’s ‘Feed the Hungry Children Fund.’”

Monsignor Charles Scicluna, , the chief sex crimes prosecutor for the Roman Catholic Church, addressing a UN Committee over allegations it enabled the sexual assault of thousands of children worldwide by protecting pedophile priests and its own reputation at the victims’ expense.

Overheard at the Vatican:

Charles Scicluna

“I officially have the most do-nothing job in the goddam universe. Seriously. I don’t do anything. Once in a while I wag a finger or raise an eyebrow, but that’s it. I shit you not.”

Monsignor Charles Scicluna, the chief sex crimes prosecutor for the Roman Catholic Church. The Vatican, to date, refuses to instruct its bishops to report suspected child sexual assault cases to polic unless required to do so by local laws, leaving Scicluna’s staff to investigate and prosecute in-house. A United Nations Committee is grilling the Vatican this week in public in Geneva over allegations it enabled the sexual assault of thousands of children worldwide by protecting pedophile priests and its own reputation at the victims’ expense. The Church has never responded to the well-documented allegations in such a public forum or manner before.

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Pope Francis I

"You keep up the good work, Charlie! Come out with me tonight and help me feed the kids."

Pope Francis I