Overheard in Kentucky:

Sen. Randall Paul

“Why don’t I care about the long-term unemployed? Because they are too fucking lazy to get off the couch and vote.”

Sen. Randall ‘Rand’ Paul (R-Kentucky)

Overheard on Fox:

Randall Paul

"Extend unemployment benefits for those 1.3 million longterm unemployed workers? When the economy remains so shitty they still can't find work? Why... that would be a disservice to those workers. WalMart is hiring, dammit!"*

Sen. Randall 'Rand' Paul (R-Kentucky), a likely presidential candidate in 2016, and newly named to third place on the "Worst Person in the World" list

*Yeah, he really did say it.

Overheard at the Exit 82 Truck Stop:

Randall Paul

“Christie? Fat guy from New Jersey? A conservative? Why the man is carrying on an illicit affair with Obamacare! He’s banging that expensive program with every ounce of torque and power his corpulent structure can manage! He’s got his tongue stuck down the tonsils of Obamacare! He is boning that program sixteen ways from Sundown. Conservative my ass!”

Sen. Randall 'Rand' Paul (R-Kentucky)

Overheard on Sen. Randall Paul's Cellphone:

Randall Paul

“The FDA is coming after your doughnuts! That’s right—an FDA bureaucrat has decreed that trans fats are killing people, so we are going to take away their right to choose to eat unhealthy shit that will kill you! I want us to line up these FDA bureaucrats, find out how skinny or fat they are, and then put them on the treadmill so THEY can lose some weight! Maybe we can put some OSHA guys armed with whips behind them so that if they slow down at all, they get a lash or two. Damn straight!”

Sen. Randall 'Rand' Paul (R-Kentucky), who really did say all of that. And he meant it.

Overheard on the MSNBC Cellphone:

Rachel Maddow

“Poor Sen. Randall Paul. He’s having a meltdown. The newspapers and such back in Kentucky are frying his chicken ass over his over-the-top plagiarism, and the criticism is coming at a time when he is attempting to establish his credentials for a 2016 presidential run. Yet, here Paul refuses to own up to his mistake and apologize, instead blaming me and everyone else for his problem. I think it is good that America has seen this in action now, before we push this person into the white house. Better that we find out his true character before he goes any further.”

Rachel Maddow, MSNBC host

- - - -

Randall Paul

“MY TRUE CHARACTER? YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!”

Sen. Randall ‘Rand’ Paul (R-Kentucky)

- - - -

Rachel Maddow

“I know you and/or your staff plagiarize like crazy.”

Rachel Maddow

- - - -

Randall Paul

“ARERRRGGGHHGH! Do you think YOU can really stop me, lady? You just keep harping on this issue and see what happens.”

Sen. Paul

 - - - 

Rachel Maddow

“You keep threatening me and YOU see what happens. Maybe I’ll bring a gang of lesbians down to Kentucky and we’ll make you go out and by sanitary napkins and tampons for all of us, and then watch while we change them!”

Rachel Maddow

- - - -

Randall Paul

“Yeah, right. That’s gonna happen.”

Sen. Paul

- - - - 

Rachel Maddow

“Sen. Paul, I’d like to invite you to come on my show. If you want to sit down and talk about your predilection for stealing other people’s ideas and thoughts, maybe we can find out what motivates you. I'm no Oprah, but maybe I can help.”

Rachel Maddow

- - - -

Randall Paul

“I don’t steal other people’s thoughts, goddammit! Are you going to fucking keep me in detention for the rest of my career in the Senate/White House?”

Sen. Paul

- - - -

 

“That depends. Who did you steal that question from?”

Rachel Maddow

- - - -

Randall Paul

“Fuck you.”

Sen. Paul