Overheard on George Washington's Cellphone:

George Washington

“Another one of these GODDAM myths about me: despite that fucking stained-glass window in the Congressional Prayer Room at the Capitol and that HORRID 2-cent stamp from 1928, I never EVER went down on my knees and prayed in the snow at Valley Forge. First, homey don’t get down on his knees for anyone. Second, it was fucking snowing. Would you get down on your knees? Third, as I keep telling you, I was not a Christian as such and couldn’t have cared less about theology. I went to various denominations of churches and synagogues on occasion but made it a point to NEVER kneel or take communion. AND I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT MENTION JESUS ON MY DEATHBED. I was too busy DYING. More than anything, I practiced Stoicism, which you can go look up, you lazy motherfuckers. What I did have was a great respect for the beliefs of everyone, no matter how ridiculous they seemed to be. That is what being an American is all about.”

George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

Overheard on George Washington's Cellphone:

George Washington

“Another deplorable myth about yours truly: that I added the words ‘So Help Me God’ to the end of the Presidential Oath (Article Two, Section One, Clause Eight of the Constitution, in case you are wondering). I did NOT. What horse manure that is! Not only didn’t I put those words into the Constitution, they aren’t even fucking there, no matter what that cunt Sarah Palin tries to tell you! Try and find them. Go ahead! Use a magnifying glass! I certainly never said those words, EVER. The assholes who have held the job since the early nineteenth century added that little phrase in an effort to boost their standing among Christians and to foster the myth that the United States was founded as a ‘Christian’ nation. If any one had suggested that fucking notion when I was alive, why, I would have bitten them with my non-wooden teeth.”

George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

Overheard on George Washington's Cellphone:

George Washington

“Another George Washington Myth: My false teeth were made of wood. Perish the thought. Hasn’t anyone ever thought that maybe a set of wooden teeth might just become soggy if subjected to a constant bath of saliva and other liquids? That bullshit-on-a-stick was nothing more than an effort to make me seem like more of a ‘common man,’ because everyone wants a ‘common man,’ a ‘Joe Sixpack,’ or a ‘Robert Bagadonuts’ as the leader of their country, right? In truth, I used dentures made from a variety of materials—including ivory, gold, and lead. If anyone actually bothered to look it up, they’d know dentists of my time didn’t even fucking use wood. The other items offered a much higher markup value, and dentists were a bunch of money-grubbing cockwhores even back then.”

George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

Overheard on George Washington's Cellphone:

The Original George W.

“Fuck the revisionists, Part Three. I was not an evangelical Christian. I wasn’t any type of Christian. I was not an atheist, either, though that bunch would have loved me to be. I did attend church on occasion, but it was always a different denomination. I actually wanted to understand all things, you know. Instead of being some religious wing nut, I thought it far more important to be of good morals. Imagine how that would fly today!”

George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

Overheard in Heaven:

Abraham Lincoln

“Do people in America today really think like these Dick Cheney and Rick Santorum characters? What sad, miserable excuses for human beings. The rest of the world mourns the death of Nelson Mandela and meanwhile, Dick Cheney and Bill O'Reilly lay the smack down on the man. Pathetic.”

Former President Abraham Lincoln, author of the Emancipation Proclamation and well-known frontier cuddle bunny

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George Washington

“I hated them before you did, Abe, but I've been dead longer, so it works out.”

George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

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Abraham Lincoln

“Don’t act so smug, George. You had wooden teeth before I did, too. I don’t much care for this Rick Santorum dickhead, either, though I do think he's kind of cute for a repressed homosexual, a minority which hold a special place in my heart. Santorum is a foul, nasty-tempered cur, though.”

Abraham Lincoln

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George Washington

“Oh he's a nasty little cocksucker is what he is. What makes men such as these hate so much and with so very much enthusiasm? We taught them better.”

George Washington