Overheard in Tennessee

Matt Bevin

“Retire with dignity old man because I am coming to bite off a piece of your saggy old ass.”

Matt Bevin, TEA party primary challenger to incumbent Sen. Mitch McConnell

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Mitch McConnell

“The American People know you are 38 points behind in the polls. Bring it, you fucking TEAbagger. Any truth to the rumor you used to work as a rent boy? You have that hungry look about you, you know, like you gargled with way too many ... what do they call them in your business? ... oh yeah, dicks.”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Tennessee)

Overheard in Kentucky:

Mitch McConnell

"So, Sen. Cruz, you are helping raise funds for my primary challengers, are you? You do realize that if I make it through the primary and I'm re-elected, I will make your life miserable from dawn until dusk, right? And then at dawn, I'll bring in a secondary team to make it miserable from dusk until dawn. When I'm not making your life miserable, I'll be busy thinking about new ways to make your life REALLY miserable. You don't fuck with the party boss, Teddy."

Senate Majority Leader Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky)

Overheard in Kentucky:

Mitch McConnell

“Sen. Ted Cruz? Personally, I love him. I think he is a great man. He is also crazier than a shithouse rat and dumber than a box of toast with ribbons.”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), indicating the ongoing split in the Senate GOP is widening at a rapid pace as ultra conservatives attempt to topple anyone not committed to their jihad in Washington.

Overheard Outside the Senate Lunch Room:

Ted Cruz

"We could have stopped this debt ceiling from being passed! I had it all set up! I was the front man! And you two twats came along and blew it. You thwarted my grandiose plans. And you call yourselves CONSERVATIVES ..."

Sen. Rafael 'Ted' Cruz Jr. (R-Texas)

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Mitch McConnell

"The American People didn't send us here—"

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Tennessee)

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Ted Cruz

"Oh for God's sake, do you have to start every goddam sentence with 'The American People...'? You're not their official spokesperson, you know. No one appointed you."

Sen. Cruz

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Mitch McConnell

"God did, so shut your mouth, Junior. I voted to allow the matter to proceed to a vote despite being in the toughest primary battle I've ever faced. But it actually was the right thing to do. Imagine me doing the right thing. Christ, I'm surprised there wasn't an earthquake."

Sen. McConnell

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John Cornyn

"Me too, Mitch. God's level of tolerance constantly amazes me. But listen up, Sen. Cruz: You are getting a little bizarre with these grandiose plans. I don't know who is the bigger fucknut: you or your fellow TEAbag asshole Steve Stockman who is running a primary campaign against me just to raise enough money to pay off the debt from his LAST political campaign. Cruz, you need to dial it back a notch. And besides, both Mitch and I voted against the raise when it actually came up for vote. You're not accomplishing anything except ... pissing off everyone. Is that really your goal?"

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas)

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Ted Cruz

"But if you two hadn't fucked it up, it would never have COME UP FOR A VOTE! Then I could have made a STATEMENT! And my only goal, AS ALWAYS, is to do my best for America, for Texas, for America, and for conservatives everywhere."

Sen. Cruz

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Mitch McConnell

"Yeah, me too. I'm a selfless man dedicated to the good of others. What both I and the American People want to know is who the hell made you the spokesperson for  conservatives?"

Sen. McConnell

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John Cornyn

"Or for Texans, for that matter. You are a fucking Canadian! And a goddam tool."

Sen. Cornyn

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Mitch McConnell

"No, John. I think he is an entire tool box."

Sen. McConnell

Overheard Outside Sen. Mitch McConnell's Office:

Mitch McConnell

“Fuck the long-term unemployed! Fuck the extended benefits they want! I care about TAXPAYERS! And the unemployed sure aren’t taxpayers, now, are they? Goddam right they aren't!”

Senate Minority Leader Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky)