Overheard in the Senate

"Sen. Cruz has said that anyone who doesn't agree with him is just frightened. Let me ensure the good Senator, who presently has one glass eye following our last run in, I am not frightened of anything. Haven't been for years. Once you've been a POW, you are no longer afraid of many things. And if that Texas jackass Senator Cruz would like to dance with me again, I am available 24 hours a day. Ferret-faced cocksucker that he is."

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona)

 

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"Sen. Ted Cruz is a fucking asshole."

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia)

 

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"He is worse than that. What a fucking dick head and what incredibly careless talk. I hope Sen. McCain gives him a second glass eye and maybe busts a rib or two."

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Illinois)

 

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"Such hostility! They are saying all of that just because I, the great and powerful Cruz, have called their sagging asses OUT."

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Arizona)

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Dick Cheney

“I don’t see what all of this fuss is about the phone records and the meta data. You Americans gave up your rights when you allowed the Republican Party to use fear to pass the Patriot Act. You pretty much gave us the right to conduct daily colonoscopies if we want to… and for some of you, we just might.”

Dick Cheney, 46th vice president and principal architect of the Bush Administration and escaped demon from hell. Cheney has a net worth estimated at $100 million.

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George W. Bush

“What in the hell is 'meter daddy' and why are we talking about it? Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Fuck you, Jebby!
Hey Jebbie! Are you still getting unemployment?”

George W. Bush (R), 43rd president of the United States. His net worth is estimated at $50 million.

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Karl Rove

"Everyone knew about this. EVERYONE. There were protestors warning all of you privacy freaks that the government was going to get itself into your business, but everybody said, 'Here, take our privacy, just protect us from hijacked planes.' Wah, wah, wah.
What a bunch of pussies. There were only three of them. But that's besides the point. You GAVE us your privacy so sit down and shut the fuck up."

Karl Rove, GOP strategist, former chief aid to President George W. Bush, and escaped demon from hell. Rove has a net worth of about
$7 million.

Diane Feinstein

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"Jesus Christ and all the saints! Karl Rove just told the fucking truth! He is Satan, but it is the truth."

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-California), who has a net worth of about $70 million.

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Mitch McConnell

“Oh yes. We totally support the president on this one. This is one of the few times Mr. Obama has been in the right. Fuck the right to privacy; that is the price you pay to be a good American. Vice President Cheney is absolutely right: You gave us the right to invade your privacy when you handed us the Patriot Act and the funny thing was, no one really squawked about it. We took away nearly every right you have and nobody said nothing.”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), whose personal fortune is estimated at $50 million.

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Lindsey Graham

“You can look at my phone records ANY TIME YOU LIKE. I only call the hot sex phone lines from my burner phones. So let’s have three cheers for President Obama! God that man is one snappy dresser. He wears the SHIT out of gabardine. He’s my choc-o-late daddy!”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina), America's favorite hermaphrodite lawmaker, who has a net worth of somewhere between $600,000 and $1.3 million

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Saxby Chambliss

"I think the question you citizens should be asking yourself RIGHT NOW is why a newspaper in the UK broke this story and all the little newspapers in the United States jumped all over it, acting indignant because they'd been scooped in their own country. SCOOPED MY ASS! They all KNEW this could happen! They all sat there and watched and listened and then moved onto the next bullshit story about Lindsay fucking Lohan instead of digging deeper and getting the whole scoop. OR, did some Republican trying to create even more heat for the president leak it to them folks over there in England?"

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), well-known expert on human sexuality, criminology, and the many degrees of human stupidity. He has a net worth of about $600,000.

Mitch McConnell

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"OH, I'd never do that. Never, never, never. How could you say that, Saxby? What did I ever do to you?"

Sen. McConnell

Saxby Chambliss

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"Ix-nay on the ap-cray, Mitch.  I didn't say one thing about you, shithead."

Sen. Chambliss

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“I’m biased, but I do think the president is correct on
this one. If we stop one act of terrorism by taking away everyone’s right to privacy, we’ve made America a safer place and that’s a good thing, goddamit.  And if anyone tries to make something of it, they will answer to me, John “KICK ASS” McCain. I know 518 ways to filet a thigh muscle using just 12 inches of jute twine and a
bag of marshmallows, and I’ll be glad to demonstrate
all of them on anyone who challenges the president on this one.”

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) whose net worth is somewhere between $3.2 and $15.2 million.

Overheard in the U.S. Senate:

Saxby Chambliss

"Hormones are the cause of all of these military rapes, just plain old hormones. There is nothing hotter than a woman wearing fatigues or camouflage. There’ s just something about seeing a woman wearing military uniforms that turns a soldier on to the point where he can’t help but commit the most horribly violent act that can be perpetrated against another person, next to murder. And whose fault is it? Why it’s Mother Nature’s fault. And what gender is Mother Nature? That’s right, she’s a goddam female, which is why I used the feminine pronoun 'she.' I guess I am trying to say this is all of this raping that is going on is the fault of women, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.”

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), well-known expert on human sexuality, criminology, and the many degrees of human stupidity.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Saxby Chambliss

C

"I'm not gay, so I'm not going to marry one, though it's pretty clear my parents assumed I would turn out gay when they named me. I don't believe I've ever quite forgiven them. I intend to explore my hateful feelings for them in my retirement. Saxby. Jesus Christ. What a fucking name."

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), who believes he was being clever this week he has no intention of ever changing his opposition to gay marriage, no matter what the public—and presumably his constituents—might want him to do. Chambliss will retire at the end of 2014.