Overheard in Hell:

Joe Paterno

“Dottie … Would you just shut the fuck up? Enough already! Your Jerry is guilty as shit and you are an enabling bitch!”

Joe Paterno, former Penn state football coach

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

“How nice! The football team known as Penn State will be traveling to Ireland to open their season! Perhaps while the coaches are there, the members of the Catholic clergy there can offer them a few pointers on how to better control and conceal the sexual assault of children for hundreds of years! We are always glad to help our brethren!”

Pope Francis I

- - -

Joe Paterno

“That is a terrible thing to say, Pope. But Jesus Christ! Why didn’t you bastards offer the administrators at Penn State that information about 20 years ago? If they had known that… Maybe... That’s it. I’m canceling my subscription.”

Joe Paterno, legendary Penn State football coach, first-class enabler.

Pope Francis I

- - -

“You are a Roman Catholic. You can’t 'cancel your subscription.' And by the way, your tithe has been a little bit low for a while now.”

Pope Francis I

Joe Paterno

- - -

“First off, I’m Joe Paterno, pope. You work for me. And secondly, how the hell am I supposed to tithe. I’m in hell, asshole.”

Joe Paterno

Pope Francis I

- - -

“What?  You mean there really is such a place? I thought that was just pretend! Holy shit! We priests are fucked.”

Pope Francis I

Joe Paterno

- - -

 “From what they tell me down here, that is the plan, at least on a daily basis, for all of eternity.”

Joe Paterno

Overheard in Hell:

The late Joe Paterno

"Way to go, Corbett. Nice lawsuit! Fucking douchebag. Quit trying to start your re-election campaign on my corpse. I'm DEAD. LET ME REST IN PEACE, GODDAMMIT! Oh, and you see where I am, right, Tommy Boy? We've got the 'Tom Corbett' wing all set up and ready for you, ya prick. It was my idea, but Satan backed it ALL THE WAY. Satan was even more thrilled when I suggested the 'Dick Thornburgh' wing. See you both soon!"

The late Joe Paterno, former football coach at The Pennsylvania State University, responding to a federal court decision dismissing a lawsuit against the NCAA filed by Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett in what the court termed a "hail Mary pass" attempt to block sanctions against Penn State.

Overheard in Heaven and at a Maximum Security Prison in Pennsylvania:

"I had a charmed life. I earned a fabulous salary, my death made my family wealthy beyond all reasonable expectations, and the people loved me and believed what I said I stood for. In return, I won a lot of football games and helped a few football players get an education. Who would have thought I'd be tarnished by a little child sexual assault cover-up I participated in and condoned? (And yes, that is EXACTLY what I did, whether you believe it or not, whether you like it or not.) I just don't understand America anymore." 

The late Joe Paterno, former football coach at The Pennsylvania State University.

 - - -

 

"You tell 'em, JoePa! Let he among us who hasn't raped a child in the shower cast the first stone." 

Jerry Sandusky, convicted pedophile/child rapist and former assistant coach at PSU.