Overheard in an Upcoming Interview:

Oprah

“Lindsay, are you an addict? The world wants to know. Lindsay Lohan, are you an addict? ARE YOU AN ADDICT, LINDSAY?”

Oprah

 - - -

Lindsay Lohan

“Jesus Fucking Christ, Oprah. Are you always like this? I sure as fuck hope I am an addict, otherwise I spent 90 days in rehab and went through cold turkey for no fucking reason. If I’m not an addict, that means I put about a bazillion dollars’ worth of various drugs up and into every single one of my bodily orifices for no damn reason. There has to be a reason, ergo, I am an addict.”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

- - -

“So you want to be an addict? Is that it, Lindsay?
DO YOU WANT TO BE AN ADDICT”

Oprah

- - -

Lindsay Lohan

“Oprah, no one grows up thinking, ‘Someday, I want to be an addict’ and earn money by blowing sailors at $5 a pop. Like everything else good in life, addiction requires work before you get good at it. And it happens for a lot of reasons. But an addict is always an addict is always an addict. That’s forever. I’m kind of surprised, frankly, that you didn’t know that. Addiction is forever but your status as a user changes—yes I am/no I’m not—using crack, cocaine, heroin, Adderall, alcohol, marijuana, Vicodin, Oxycotin and klonopin. Wow. Just saying all of those words made me salivate. Do you understand me now, Oprah? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW, O?”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

- - -

“Are you shitting me, girl? Addiction is forever? You can’t make that shit go away? Whitney Huston and Charlie Sheen told me that would go away!”

Oprah

- - -

“Well I am giving you the truth, Miss Winfrey. That’s what addiction is all about. Wanna see my tits? Everyone else has.”

Lindsay Lohan

- - -

Oprah

“Sonuvabitch. And here I thought when you went into rehab, you were free at last, FREE AT LAST! And, no, I don't want to see your skanky white girl tits. Already seen them.”

Oprah

Lindsay Lohan

- - -

“Do you have to quote Martin Luther King Jr. every day? Do I look like a slain civil rights leader to you, Oprah?”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

- - -

“You looked like a dead civil rights leader when you went into rehab. You was looking pretty bad, girl, that's for goddam sure. Keith Richards wanted all of his photos taken standing next to you because YOU made HIM look good.”

Oprah

 

- - -

“Go ahead. Rub it in. If it wasn’t for the $2 million you are giving me, I wouldn’t be on this goddam show, you know. Christ, I need a drink. Or at least some Adderall.”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

- - -

“It’s only $1 million, bitch--$2 million if you break down and sob hysterically, begging for your mama. I ain’t seen that shit yet.”

Oprah

Overheard in Rehab:

Lindsay Lohan

"Do you notice how I've sort of faded out of the public consciousness? That's because I am rehabbing like crazy and finally realizing that I don't have to be drunk and/or high to be happy. I am discovering my self-worth and value as a person. Actually, I have to say that or they won't let me take my Adderall. Jesus... 30 more days of this fucking shit. I want out OUT OUT OUT OUT! But don't worry. I won't go back to my old ways. I'll cut down. I promise. I'll be a good girl."

Lindsay Lohan, rehabbing addict/celebrity/former actress

Overheard Everywhere:

John Boehner

"I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I think the IRS is hiding something and that's why one IRS employee, out of ALL of the IRS employees who testified and answered who knows HOW MANY questions, declined to subject herself to the belligerence, hate, anger, and moral superiority of House Committee hell bent on burning some witches. Now I ask you again: who is going to jail over whatever it is these IRS bastards are doing? And note how all of this is making me smile ALL THE TIME. It kinda hurts. I don't understand smiling."

Speaker of the House John Boehner, whose personal fortune is estimated at between $1.7 and $5.5 million.

- - -

Lindsay Lohan

 "All right, Mr. Boner. I'll confess. I'm the one who did it. I was trying to screw the teabaggers. I did it. Now get me the FUCK out of rehab so I can have my Adderall again. Send me to jail, right now, only make it the MALE jail so that I can make enough money to pay for my rehab." 

Lindsay Lohan, addict/troubled celebrity/drunken driver/thief

- - -

Paris Hilton

"No Lindsay, don't do it. The guys in
jail only pay you in cigarettes. Even the guards. I've tried paying for things with cigarettes before. No one accepts them. They aren't nearly as cool as food stamps
or aluminum cans and plastic bottles. I'm hot, you're hot, poverty is hot, as long as it doesn't last long. Wow. I'm lucky I have clothes on otherwise I'd be staring right into my vagina. That'd be scary."

Paris Hilton, heiress/reality TV star/addict

Overheard at 'The Clinic':

Lindsay Lohan

"I can't stay here in rehab! They won't let me keep taking my Adderall! Who do they think they are? I am fucking Lindsay Lohan! I take drugs. Every. Goddam. Day. It is what I do and I take it very seriously. Did anyone really believe I was going to enter a rehab program and actually stop taking stuff? That wasn't part of the deal! I was supposed to come here, watch some TV, steal some things, and leave. FUCK!"

Lindsay Lohan, speaking from the Betty Ford Clinic.

Overheard in Hollywood:

Brooke Mueller

"Oh, gee, Lindsay! We are in rehab together! I sure hope it works this time! This is my 20th attempt to get and stay sober. That should count for something. Maybe I'll be able to get my kids back when I get out. But for now, I'm just glad to be here with you.
I didn't even NEED to come. I just wanted to spend some time
with you!"

Brooke Mueller, former wife of Charlie Sheen, and major addict

- - -

Lindsay Lohan

"Twentieth? Don't sweat it, Meg. The judge doesn't start to get angry until you go over 50. The first thing I need to teach you is which visitors can be counted on to bring back some 'candy' from the 'store,' if you know what I mean.... Gosh, if only my true BFF Paris was here,. we'd have a real party on our hands!"

Lindsay Lohan, addict/troubled celebrity/drunken driver/thief

Paris Hilton

- - -

"You know those THREE thoughts I have every day, Lindsay? Well, you are in BOTH of them. Rehab is hot. Betty Ford was hot in a very dimly lit room. And halsa... jala-hopies.... no... jello-puppets.... oh, fuck.... those little Mexican peppers are hot, too. And don't eat them with your bare hands and then use the ladies room
without washing first!
They are REALLY hot then."

Paris Hilton, heiress/reality TV star/addict