Overheard in New York City:

Elliott Spritzer

“I am sorry and I want another chance. I won’t ever touch  a prostitute again. I won't even touch myself! I promise, America. You can trust me to do the right thing.”

Elliot Spitzer, former New York governor and now candidate for New York City comptroller, who is attempting to return to public service following his ouster over his use of prostitutes. Among the challengers he will face is his former madam, Kristin Davis, who is a third party candidate for the same office. For Davis, Spitzer was “Client Number 9.”

- - -

Mark Weiner

“I am sorry and I want another chance. I won’t ever even touch myself again either and I won’t send out any photos of my erection to anyone. I promise, America.”

Mark Weiner, former U.S. Congressman, who resigned after it was revealed he had sexted photos of his clothed erection to a number of women. Weiner is now running for the office of mayor of New York City.

Mark Sanford

- - -

“I am sorry and I want another chance. I won’t ever even touch myself again and I won’t have any affairs, or run off to South America—none of it. I promise America and you can trust me to do the right thing, including not touching myself.”

Rep. Mark Sanford (R-South Carolina)

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John F. Kennedy

“I am sorry and I want another chance…. wait a minute… I’m dead. I can’t have another chance. Never mind.”

Former President John F. Kennedy

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Bill Clinton

“America just has no idea. It really doesn’t. And I have no plans to stop touching myself, either. Hey, JFK! If you were alive and here, I'd say let's go get laid! Was Marilyn really as good as they say?”

Former President Bill Clinton

John F. Kennedy

- - -

"Bill, this time, YOU have no idea."

JFK

 

Overheard in Heaven:

John F. Kennedy

 “You know, I was an Eagle Scout. Yes sir. And for all of the years that I was a scout, I can never, EVER remember any of us ever discussing what we did with our penises. That’s why I don’t understand the fuss and hatred over boys who are gay being Boy Scouts, or Boy Scout leaders, for heaven’s sake. Genitals are not supposed to be a part of the Boy Scouts, though by the number of pedophile cases they've covered up over the years, one might wonder about that. But what's important here is to stop all of the hatred that’s being directed at a subset of boys, all in the name of God. It’s bullshit, it’s wrong, and it is downright horrible. Stop it.”

John F. Kennedy (D), 35th president of the United States

Jesus Christ

- - -

“You mean they used to let Catholics in and now they are fussing about gays? Well, fuck me. Oh, lighten the hell up, Mr. Kennedy, I was only kidding. Here, have a wafer. I baked them this morning.”

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in a History Book:

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"God gave me polio, Eleanor, World War II, the remnants of the Great Depression, and a 25 percent unemployment rate, but he also gave me more tail than Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy combined. Women are total suckers for men in wheelchairs. All in all, I'd say the universe is a good place."

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (D), 32nd president of the United States. FDR led the government through the Great Depression and World War II

Eleanor Roosevelt

- - -

"Sweetie, I got more tail than you, and in more flavors as well, and I didn't need a fucking wheelchair to get it. Put that in your cigarette holder and smoke it, polio boy."

Eleanor Roosevelt, 32nd first lady.

George W. Bush

- - -

"Can you buy one of those wheel-thingies at WalMart?" 

George W. Bush (R), 43rd president of the United States