Overheard on 'This Week':

Edward Snowden

"I deserve clemency! I am in the great and long tradition of civil disobedience in America!"

America's favorite former defense contractor Edward Snowden, now living in Russia after receiving political asylum from that country. Snowden  released thousands of pages of stolenn documents detailing America's spy activities, setting off worldwide anger.

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"Uhmmm ... civil disobedience ... if that's true, follow the same course as other great practitioners of civil disobedience: come back and face a trial for what you did. That's what others before you have done. And non e of those practitioners of civil disobedience EVER handed over secret documents to foreign countries and harmed the United State government. Think about that, spyboy."

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-New York)

 

Overheard on Edward Snowden's Cellphone:

Edward Snowden

"President Putin! I need to speak with you."

Edward Snowden

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Vladimir Putin

"Spyboy Edward Snowden! What are you doing. Is this a matter of life and death because if not you are breaking protocol to call me on this number."

Russian President Vladimir Putin

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Edward Snowden

"No, this is not a matter of life and death."

Edward Snowden

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Vladimir Putin

"Did I tell you to call me? Because this I do not remember doing."

President Putin

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Edward Snowden

"No sir, you did not."

Edward Snowden

  

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Vladimir Putin

Do not make this mistake again, Spyboy."

President Putin

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Edward Snowden

"But I need your permission to go to Germany and testify at a hearing about the United State's spying."

Edward Snowden

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Vladimir Putin

"Spyboy, you need my permission to piss. Under the terms of the agreement you signed, in your own blood, the agreement was you would do no futher harm to Russia's good friend the United States of America. This is correct?"

President Putin

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Edward Snowden

"Yes sir."

Edward Snowden

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Vladimir Putin

"Then we are having this conversation why?"

President Putin

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Edward Snowden

"Becauise I thought you might want me to help Germany in its fight with the United States."

Edward Snowden

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Vladimir Putin

"You can never think like Russian so stop trying. Yes, you may go to Germany. But if you do, you may not come back. Ever. If you leave, you are at the mercy of the United States. I have given you a job working on Internet Security. Many Russians do not have this much. There are no reprieves in Russia, Spyboy, no second chances. This is your choice to make. Choose wisely. Do not call here again unless your penis is on fire. That does happen in Russia, you know. Sometimes on purpose."

President Putin

Overheard in Moscow:

“Thank you, Mr. Putin, for protecting my son! God bless Moscow! God bless you! God bless the Russian people!”

Lon Snowden, father of former defense contractor/National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden, speaking on Russian television

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Vladimir Putin

“Please, Mr. Snowden. People are not allowed to say the word ‘god’ on Russian TV, unless they are referring to me. Please do not make that mistake again, or their will be consequences your son will find most disturbing. Do you notice your son is not making so many headlines now? That is what protection in Russia means: you don’t talk until you are asked to do so and no one here has asked him to speak. No more of this leaking stuff. Here in Russia, we plug leaks. I used to do it personally. Traditionally, it has been done with cement. I believe you Americans refer to it as, ‘getting a pair of cement shoes.’ It is very effective. Leaks stop immediately. Life is simple when you practice totalitarianism. Democracy… phooey! Democracy is for Nancy boys.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin