Overheard at the Vatican:

Angry Jesus

"POPE FRANCIS! You just had a priest in Pennsylvania indicted for possession of child pornography—LOTS of child pornography—and one in New Jersey arrested for hanging around with children when he was ORDERED not to do so. And both of them, were among those YOUR church shielded and moved around from parish to parish for years and years in some perverted game of Three-Card Monty. When in the FUCK are you going to get off your saggy ass and start doing something! Leave the poor alone for a while. They will still be hungry when you get back. Now it the time to do something for sexual assault survivors."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"Biden and Pelosi took communion my inauguration ceremony? While they support abortion rights for women? That's a giant sin. Jesus is frowning. They are both going to hell. That is all there is to it. I have their handbaskets all ready. They are very pretty."

Pope Francis I

 - - -

Jesus Christ

"Oh, fuck off, Franny. I am not frowning. Get over yourself. We are talking about a bit of cracker and some grape juice; I'm sure you can afford it. Asshole. Now, if you want to have a discussion about things that will send you to hell, we need to hear your thoughts on child sexual assaults by priests, because I have my own collection of handbaskets to hand out. If you continue the policy you exercised in Argentina—that of being silent about abuse, of not acting quickly when criminal charges were made, of refusing to speak with victims, and of issuing reports calling convicted pedophile priests innocent—I shall have a special handbasket made for you. My handbaskets may not be as pretty as yours, but they will get you to hell just as fast. Maybe faster."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"You lying bastards! When I took this job, you promised I wouldn't have to work Sundays!"

 Pope Francis I

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"If the media had kissed my ass the way they kiss Pope Francis's ass, I doubt I would have ever been crucified. Ask some tough questions, journalists. You are supposed to be the first to throw stones, remember? That's why Father created you. Fucking assholes."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis enjoying the bling

"Yeah, that's right. They are calling me the 'Slum Pope' because I like hanging out with poor people. What can I tell you? I like the poor. They are always glad to see you, particularly if you have food in your pockets. They are easier to manipulate than people with money, too. Why, you can take a poor kid from the slums and do just about anything to them. I mean, for them. For them. Shit. Don't print that."

Pope Francis, who is facing some criticism for his past support for and failure to speak out against the military dictatorship in Argentina in the 1970s

Francis the Talking Mule

- - -

"Gee.... a pope who didn't speak out against a military dictatorship.... when did that ever happen in history? Oh wait, wasn't it Pope Pius XII who was really cozy with Adolf Hitler? Don't these guys know their fucking history?"

Francis the Talking Mule, reported namesake for the new pope