Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"It wasn't me. I own my own DVDs. And I prefer midgets and BBWs to trannys and bondage."

Pope Francis I addressing concerns over someone using a Vatican City computer to illegally  download, among other things, girl-on-girl, transsexual, and bondage hardcore porn.

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"Biden and Pelosi took communion my inauguration ceremony? While they support abortion rights for women? That's a giant sin. Jesus is frowning. They are both going to hell. That is all there is to it. I have their handbaskets all ready. They are very pretty."

Pope Francis I

 - - -

Jesus Christ

"Oh, fuck off, Franny. I am not frowning. Get over yourself. We are talking about a bit of cracker and some grape juice; I'm sure you can afford it. Asshole. Now, if you want to have a discussion about things that will send you to hell, we need to hear your thoughts on child sexual assaults by priests, because I have my own collection of handbaskets to hand out. If you continue the policy you exercised in Argentina—that of being silent about abuse, of not acting quickly when criminal charges were made, of refusing to speak with victims, and of issuing reports calling convicted pedophile priests innocent—I shall have a special handbasket made for you. My handbaskets may not be as pretty as yours, but they will get you to hell just as fast. Maybe faster."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"You lying bastards! When I took this job, you promised I wouldn't have to work Sundays!"

 Pope Francis I

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis

"My name is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I am an Italian from Argentina and the first Jesuit pope. My pope name, which is sort of like a porn star name only less fun, is Pope Francis. I like gold, particularly when I am holding it in my hands. It is so very shiny. I am 76 years old. I am conservative and you know what that means. Now, get on your knees and kiss the fucking ring."

Pope Francis, the 266th pope of the Catholic Church

 

- - -

"St. Francis of Assisi my ass—pardon the obvious pun. Wait'll they find out he took 'Francis' as his pope name to honor me. He was a big fan of my movies Don't worry, pope. My lips are sealed."

Francis the Talking Mule

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"A lot of people are wondering why the hell am I appearing here and offering commentary on the ongoing pope thing. The switchboard here in Heaven has been lit up for days with all sorts of fucking questions. I come to 'Overheard Somewhere' because they let me swear profusely. No one else lets me do that and it is such fun. Try it. Say, 'shit-licking chicken-fucker' and see if you don't feel better. Meanwhile, back at the Vatican, it will just be another day of business as usual down in that Cardinals Conclave: fun, laughter, kissing ass, kissing rings, and probably some sort of contest to decide who gets to spend the day with the cutest kids from the orphanage. The cardinals are a bunch of twisted bastards. When Father said, 'Love Thy Neighbor,' he didn't mean 'Love Thy Neighbor's Little Kid in a Twisted, Sick Way That Damages Them For Life.' We can't make it stop from up here, though. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. It is you down there who have to make it stop. You have my permission to use any means necessary short of nuclear weaponry. And yes, once again, it is Greek for lunch day."

Jesus Christ, son of God