Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"A lot of people are wondering why the hell am I appearing here and offering commentary on the ongoing pope thing. The switchboard here in Heaven has been lit up for days with all sorts of fucking questions. I come to 'Overheard Somewhere' because they let me swear profusely. No one else lets me do that and it is such fun. Try it. Say, 'shit-licking chicken-fucker' and see if you don't feel better. Meanwhile, back at the Vatican, it will just be another day of business as usual down in that Cardinals Conclave: fun, laughter, kissing ass, kissing rings, and probably some sort of contest to decide who gets to spend the day with the cutest kids from the orphanage. The cardinals are a bunch of twisted bastards. When Father said, 'Love Thy Neighbor,' he didn't mean 'Love Thy Neighbor's Little Kid in a Twisted, Sick Way That Damages Them For Life.' We can't make it stop from up here, though. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. It is you down there who have to make it stop. You have my permission to use any means necessary short of nuclear weaponry. And yes, once again, it is Greek for lunch day."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

"Well, we sent up the black smoke yesterday. What should we do today? Send up gray? Red? Blue? Yellow? Shall we pick a name out of the hat like we usually do and end this thing, or do we wanna keep this game of strip poker going? Anyone up for Naked Twister with the kids from the orphanage? Shit! Who the fuck ate all of the Doritos?"

The Cardinals Conclave

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"I am talking with Father about sending a truckload of green mamba snakes down that Vatican chimney as a surprise for the Cardinals. Optimist that I am, I think it will wake them up. Father remains unconvinced. And now he has turned himself into a burning bush and is being totally non-communicative. I hate when he pulls this shit. Sometimes the old parlor tricks just get old. Heck, even Michael Jackson turned himself into a burning bush once. So did Richard Pryor. He's the creator of the universe. I believe he needs some new tricks. I shall keep you all posted."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at The Vatican:

"Millions of people are watching that chimney up there just waiting for white smoke in anticipation of us naming a new pope. The eyes of the entire world are on us, boys. Do you realize many hope and believe a new pope will mean changes in the way the church operates? Can you conceive of just how many people are looking to us to exhibit Christ-like wisdom and understanding that will lead to a better mankind? A world where people love one another and work to build a better, more caring world for us all? Better yet, do you care? Nah, me neither. Who wants ice cream?"

The Cardinals Conclave

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals

"Wait... we're about to go deep undercover to talk about a new pope and instead you want us to talk publicly about BOTH child sexual assaults by priests AND the financial problems with the Vatican Bank? You also want us to talk public about how parts of the Catholic Church operate very much like organized crime? And the amazing collection of art the church holds? The vast amounts of precious metals and jewels we hold in our vaults? Well fuck all of you. We only started giving out information about the sexual assaults to shift your attention away from the bank and other issues and now you want it all. Don't you realize who we are? What we stand for?"

The Cardinals Conclave

 

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Jesus Christ, king of bling

"You know, if I hear one more pundit—particularly that passive-aggressive bey-otch Peggy Noonan—calling on the church to 'turn the corner' on the child sexual assault scandals I'm going to puke lepers onto the streets of Rome. 'Turn the corner'? TURN THE FUCKING CORNER? Does that mean turn the corner and put it all behind you? It doesn't work that way. What the church needs to do is to redeem itself in a real and tangible way, say paying for the creation of international service organization to help ALL child sexual assault victims and fund it for the next 50 years—or preferably for as long as the church's representatives have been raping children—without risk of funding being decreased. That would be an appropriate start, you bunch of assholes. As for the bank and all of your glitter and riches, it is time to stop. QUIT TAKING MONEY FROM PEOPLE. And while you are at it, start allowing women to be priests and bishops. Let your gays in the closet—I love them too, you stupid fuckers. You need to start all of this soon. The day of reckoning is near. (Fuck I love saying that. Thank you fundamentalists.) Oh, and notice my bling. It's dress-up day here. We wear our fancy hats with class up here."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Bill Maher

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"Holy chicken fuckers! I actually agree with Jesus on this one, and that's pretty big since I don't even believe he exists. I'm going to have to get REALLY stoned to ponder this one."

Bill Maher, comedian/author/commentator and host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher