Overheard at the Vatican:

“Thank you President Obama for this bag of seeds. I would have liked it better if there had been some buds in there, you know. Jackass.”

Pope Francis I

Overheard on Pope Francis's Cellphone:

Pope Francis I

“Yes, that is a use for condoms the Church can support—to smuggle cocaine into the Vatican—er … wait … I have to check with God on this one.”

Pope Francis I, commenting on the interception of 240 grams of cocaine packed in 14 condoms bound for Vatican City. The filled condoms were packed inside a box of cushions.

Overheard on Pope Francis I's Cellphone:

Pope Francis I

“I love Dottie Sandusky as much as if she were a poor hungry child living on the streets. And I admire her efforts to cover up the work of her pedophile husband. She’s an enabler after my own heart! And since she has never had a child the regular way, I think I can nominate her to play the part of the Virgin Mother at next year’s Vatican Christmas Pageant. My legal team is working on this now.”

Pope Francis I

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

“What would I do if I were president? I would let pedophile priests get away with raping little children. Oh wait … I already do that, don’t I?”

Pope Francis I

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

“No one has done more to combat the sexual assault of children by pedophile priests than the Church. No other public institution has acted with more transparency and responsibility, yet the Church is the only institution to be attacked. We know abuse cases are terrible and leave deep wounds, but we also know the majority of abuses actually are carried out in family or neighborhood environments, not the Church.”*

Pope Francis I, speaking with an Italian journalist

*(Yeah, he really fucking said it. All of it.)