Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

“You know, I love puppies and kittens best of all. They are kind and sweet and warm and cuddly. But the civilians in my country? No, I don't like them. BOOM! There’s another 100 dead! BOOM! Another 100 dead! I could do this all day! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Theres’s 300! BOO! That’s only 200 because I did not say the 'M'! He he he. This is more fun than beating my wife! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!”

Syria President Bashar al-Assad

Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

Go to sleep little babies …

“That nerve gas gets them every fucking time. HO HO HO. I make myself laugh every day. BOOM! There goes another 100 civilians! HO HO HO. ”

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

“Crimea! Rhymes with onomatopoeia. And maybe rhymes with Sy-re-uh, if you mispronounce the name of my country. Onomatopoeia is like this sound: SQUISH-FLIGGET! That is the noise made by five bodies landing on cement after being thrown from a 30-story building for the crime of … being CIVILIANS! Oh, I love to be me.”

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

“Dear President Putin, my dear friend/pen pal: 

"I salute your effort to keep terrorist extremists from taking over the Ukraine, and I believe Russia taking over Crimea was the best way to keep them in their place. You are righteous dude.

”If you need any chemical weapons, let me know. I think I have some lying around.

"Chemical weapons ... HA HA HA HA ... stupid fucking Americans!"

"Hugs and kisses,

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

Overheard in Syria:

Bashar al-Assad

"U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry (BOOM) accuses me of stonewalling the Syrian peace talks! (BOOM) That is so funny! (BOOM) Do you think he should become (BOOM)... what is it ... (BOOM) ... comedian?"

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad