Overheard Somewhere:

Poppin Fresh

“If my life had turned out a little bit differently, I could have been the spokesperson for Charmin bathroom tissue. Wouldn’t that have been a great gig! My name could have been ‘Spot,’ ‘Brownie,’ or ‘Shitstain,’ and the rest would be history. Instead, I’m a one-man icing dispenser!”

Poppin’ Fresh, well-known doughboy

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Bill Clinton

“Hey, Poppin’ Fresh! ALL men are just icing dispensers. You have no idea. You just have no idea what it’s like. And am I seeing things or do your arms and hands look like penises--one flaccid and one erect? Poppin' Fresh? How about 'Poppin Flesh?' DAMN! I never noticed that before!”

Former President Bill Clinton

Overheard in Poland:

Bill Clinton

“If you lick a freezing cold Pole in the winter, you will NOT get your tongue stuck. That’s an old wives tale, probably started by Hillary. Trust me. Go ahead and LICK THAT POLE. I’ve been to Poland and licked MANY freezing cold Poles just to test this theory and it’s bullshit. You folks have no idea how much I go through to get information for you. You just have no idea.”

Former President Bill Clinton

Overheard on Bill Clinton's Cellphone:

“What would I do if I were president? Wait … We all KNOW what I’d do if I was president. You people just have no idea what it is like to be me. Women just beg me to stick it in. It's a curse, I tell you. A goddam wonderful lovely curse, but a curse nonetheless. What would you do if you were me? Walk away? HA!”

Former President Bill Clinton

Overheard on Fox:

Randall Paull

“I think any of you Democratic candidates out there who raised money with the help of that blowjob-receiving former president should give all of the money back. So there.”

Sen. Randall ‘Rand’ Paul (R-Kentucky)

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Bill Clinton

“You have no idea. You have no idea because you’ve never received one from an intern. Maybe if you did you wouldn't be such a whining little bitch.”

Former President Bill Clinton, now on the campaign trail for Democratic Senate campaigns. President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are assisting as well.

Overheard in Kentucky:

Randall Paul

“If she runs for president, how the hell is Hillary Clinton going to stand up for women in this alleged ‘GOP War on Women’ when she didn’t stand up for herself when her sexual predator husband was in office?”

Sen. Randall ‘Rand’ Paul (R-Kentucky)

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Bill Clinton

“Uhm … Randall? Have you even met my wife? Do you really think she let my behavior go? Trust me, Hillary stood up for herself just fine when I got my dick caught in the White House zipper. I lost my right testicle over that one. Seriously. Cut my fun right in half. She removed it with a chop stick and three garbage bag twist ties. John McCain showed her how to do it. I think she still has it in a jar. We just didn’t make it public, you shithead. You wanna see what happens when you make Hillary look foolish? I'll be glad to show you right now. I've got nothing to hide at this point.”

Bill Clinton, former president