Overheard on the '700 Club':

Pat Robertson

“If you allow lesbians to hang around your children, they can infect them with their lesbian cooties and your babies will grow up to be carpet munchers! Keep your doors and windows locked! Don’t invite them in! They can’t come in if you don’t invite them! It’s true! And hang garlic over your doorway! It says so in the bible.”

Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club

Overheard on the '700 Club':

Pat Robertson

“Those scurrilous gays! They wear rings you know, rings that can give innocent people AIDS or other horrible diseases! And the rings can only be destroyed if tossed into a river of volcanic lava! If the gays look at you out of their right eye, you get tuberculosis. If they look at you out of their left eye, you get halitosis. And if they look at you with both eyes while standing on one foot and hopping, they give you pertussis! It’s horrible! And note: one of those fairy boys with a lisp could never have said those last three sentences without making everyone laugh! Everything I say is true, dammit! I read it in the bible!”

Pat Robertson, media mogul, former minister, renown collector of liver spots and God's former best friend.

Overheard on the '700 Club':

Pat Robertson

“I want everyone to pretend they are Egyptians and revolt against Obamacare. Yes, I’m serious. RISE UP AS ONE and slay THE BEAST. WOW! That sounds almost Biblical, doesn't it? God doesn't like Obamacare! God wants all the poor to be sick and uncared for. Of course it's true. I read it in the bible.”

Pat Robertson, media mogul, former minister, renown collector of liver spots and God's best friend. 

Overheard on the '700 Club':

Pat Robertson

“Way to go, homosexuals! Now God is going to go all Sodom and Gomorrah on us and we’ll ALL BE TURNED TO SALT. I believe Justice Kennedy must have gay law clerks or something.”

 

Pat Robertson, media mogul, former minister, renown collector of liver spots and God's best friend. 

Jesus Christ

- - -

“Oh, Patty. So angry and filled with hate. We don’t do the salt thing anymore, haven’t you heard? Too much salt causes high blood pressure. You really are a douchebag. Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t happen because there was some sodomy going on—there was, but it was irrelevant to the situation—It was because they couldn’t find 10 righteous men, period. I love it when you TV evangelists twist and turn things to meet your own needs. I hope you can still preach like that when you are roasting with my friend Lucifer, because THAT is where you are headed. Hope you like it warm!”

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard on the '700 Club':

Pat Robertson

"It's these damn demonic video games the kids play that causes bulimia, anorexia and suicide. It doesn't have a thing to do with our refusal to accept gay teens, or our inability to help  teens who are depressed, bullied, physically abused, sexually assaulted, discarded by their families and living on the streets, forced to prostitute themselves, malnourished, improperly educated, hungry, hated for who they are or the color of their skin and it sure as hell isn't the fucked up churches that fill their hearts and heads with hatred and bullshit nonsense… nope. It's just the video games."

Pat Robertson, professional dickhead, media mogul, former minister, renown collector of liver spots and God's best friend.