Overheard in New Jersey:

Tony Soprano

“If Gov. Christie says he didn’t know about any bridge thing, he didn’t know about it. End of story. Tu capi?”

Tony Soprano, New Jersey mob boss

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Paulie Gualtieri

“Does anybody want to debate it further with me?”

Peter Paul 'Paulie Walnuts' Gualtieri, New Jersey mob underboss

Overheard in New Jersey:

Sarah Palin

"Yep! I’m a going to New Jersey to campaign for Senate candidate Steve Lonegan. I LOVE Steve! He is ‘one of us’! He ‘gets’ us conservatives! He wants to make America a place where the only ideas are acceptable are the ones conservatives endorse! He supports gun rights and hates gays! He hates abortions! He has little experience—just like me back when I ran for vice president! In fact, he has LESS experience governing than I did, which probably makes him more qualified.”

Sarah Palin,former small town mayor, former half-term governor of Alaska, former vice presidential candidate, former reality show star, and Fox News commentator.

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Steve Lonegan

“I am so honored to have Sarah Palin and The TEA Party Express—all from outside New Jersey—coming in to conduct a 'grassroots' campaign behalf of me AND my tremendously shitty toupee. Meanwhile, Vice President Joe Biden wouldn’t even come to campaign for Corey Booker because of this IMAGINED government shutdown crisis in Washington. Pish posh. Biden just didn’t want to stand next to Booker—and certainly not in front of Booker—you know, because Booker is just not a manly man!”

New Jersey GOP Senate Candidate Steve Lonegan

Corey Booker

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“I didn’t realize Sarah Palin knew where New Jersey was. In fact, I’ll wager she didn’t until someone showed her on a map.”

Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, N.J., and Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate

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Sarah Palin

“Well you listen up, Mr. Booger. I knows where all 'a the states is at. I have a lot in common with New Jersey. I have a garden, too, you know.”

Sarah Palin

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Corey Booker

“I will bet you do. Welcome in advance to the Garden State, Mrs. Palin. I’m pleased you could make it.”

Corey Booker

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Snooki

“Sarah Palin? Here? She’s my idol! We have so MUCH in common. I'm smarter, but we're both sluts and have almost the same hairdo!”

Snooki

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Tony Soprano

“Sarah Palin? Here? I hate that broad. Christ. Paulie—take care a dis.”

Tony Soprano, New Jersey mob boss

Paulie Gualtieri

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“This one is for free, boss. It will be my sincere pleasure.”

Paulie Gualtieri

Overheard in New Jersey:

Rand Paul

Newt Gingrich

 “New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has a big mouth and a fat ass. Who does he think he is? Gov. Tony Soprano? Gov. Christie should stick to what he knows best: doughnuts.”

Chris Christie

Former House Speaker and new CNN host-to-be Newt Gingrich, announcing he was siding with Sen. Rand Paul in Paul’s ongoing battle of words with Christie. Gov. Christie has called libertarianism “a very bad thought” and blasted Paul’s ongoing discourse on foreign policy as an “esoteric debate.” Paul has called Christie “the king of bacon” for accepting government funds for hurricane relief aid without pushing for federal budget cuts to offset the expense. Christie in turn has told Paul that if he is concerned about pork, he needs to do something about the $1.50 residents of Kentucky receive for every $1 they pay in federal tax, compared with the 67 cents that New Jersey residents get back for every $1 they pay  in federal income tax. 

Tony Soprano

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"Leave me the fuck out of this, Gingrich, you rotten cocksucker.  You have no idea of who you are messing with. And I'm not dead. I'm in the Witness Protection Program."

Tony Soprano, New Jersey mob boss

Benny Hill Gingrich

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“Uhmmmmm… Newtie? Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh? Have you taken a look at your own caboose lately? It’s not exactly on the small side. I've seen smaller back porches than yours on stadiums.”

Benny Hill Gingrich, comedian and long lost twin brother of Newt.

Newt Gingrich

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“Benny, shut up. I’m making national headlines here. I don’t need any running commentary from you, please.”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

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“Oh my. Mr. National Headlines. Mr. Fancypants. May I bow down and honor your sartorial splendor? Mr. Going-to-be-on-the-news-again. Big deal! Alright. I’ll move along. But just remember, Newtie, ‘Just because nobody complains about parachutes…”

 Benny Hill Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

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“…doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect!’ Dammit! Get out of here! I need to erase those damn punchlines somehow!”

Newt Gingrich