Overheard on CNN:

Newt Gingrich

“What do you mean I can’t attend a very partisan trade group event for shale fracking and natural gas and be the guest speaker—a role which paid me extremely well? Journalistic ethics! Hey! I gotta eat!”

Newt Gingrich, former speaker if the House and one of the new hosts of the rebooted "Crossfire" program on CNN.

- - -

Benny Hill Gingrich

“You were the same way when you were a kid, Newtie. Always fighting the rules, always cutting corners, always putting your needs ahead of others. That reminds me of the time when you skipped school so you could go hang out with the loan sharks on the corner and then blamed ME for getting you to leave school, despite the fact that I was in school at the time. And yet, Mom believed you!”

Benny Hill Gingrich, long lost twin brother of Newtie.

Overheard in New Jersey:

Rand Paul

Newt Gingrich

 “New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has a big mouth and a fat ass. Who does he think he is? Gov. Tony Soprano? Gov. Christie should stick to what he knows best: doughnuts.”

Chris Christie

Former House Speaker and new CNN host-to-be Newt Gingrich, announcing he was siding with Sen. Rand Paul in Paul’s ongoing battle of words with Christie. Gov. Christie has called libertarianism “a very bad thought” and blasted Paul’s ongoing discourse on foreign policy as an “esoteric debate.” Paul has called Christie “the king of bacon” for accepting government funds for hurricane relief aid without pushing for federal budget cuts to offset the expense. Christie in turn has told Paul that if he is concerned about pork, he needs to do something about the $1.50 residents of Kentucky receive for every $1 they pay in federal tax, compared with the 67 cents that New Jersey residents get back for every $1 they pay  in federal income tax. 

Tony Soprano

- - -

 

"Leave me the fuck out of this, Gingrich, you rotten cocksucker.  You have no idea of who you are messing with. And I'm not dead. I'm in the Witness Protection Program."

Tony Soprano, New Jersey mob boss

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

 

“Uhmmmmm… Newtie? Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh? Have you taken a look at your own caboose lately? It’s not exactly on the small side. I've seen smaller back porches than yours on stadiums.”

Benny Hill Gingrich, comedian and long lost twin brother of Newt.

Newt Gingrich

- - -

“Benny, shut up. I’m making national headlines here. I don’t need any running commentary from you, please.”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“Oh my. Mr. National Headlines. Mr. Fancypants. May I bow down and honor your sartorial splendor? Mr. Going-to-be-on-the-news-again. Big deal! Alright. I’ll move along. But just remember, Newtie, ‘Just because nobody complains about parachutes…”

 Benny Hill Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

- - -

“…doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect!’ Dammit! Get out of here! I need to erase those damn punchlines somehow!”

Newt Gingrich

Overheard on CNN:

Newt Gingrich

“The number of gangs in our country has increased 40 percent since President Obama took office. We’ve also seen great increases in the number of gnomes, fairies, comedians, accountants, witches, warlocks, wizards, warts, giant boa constrictors with false teeth, giant boa constrictors wearing feather boas, summer reruns, paisley ties, locusts, scams involving Nigerian princes, train robbers, brands of natural peanut butter, gay cartoon characters, gays in the military, gays in the House, gays in the Senate, gays mentioned in songs written by Hal David and Burt Bacharach, loud socks, loud sucks worn by gays mentioned in songs written by Hal David and Burt Bacharach, movies set in the future, movies set in the past, movies built around superheroes, girls named Michael, boys named Amy, nuns in the U.S. Army, nuns in the U.S. Army shooting children in foreign lands while saying the Rosary, brands of prophylactics, colors of prophylactics, colors of paint, colors of nail polish, colors of T-shirts, colors of shoes, and types of Oreo cookies—which is pretty fucking fitting, don’t you think? We have always had the black Oreo cookies with white in the center, but now we have black cookies with green/orange/whatever-the-fuck holiday color is appropriate in the middle, and we have vanilla cookies on the outside with black creek in the middle, or vanilla cookies on the outside with white cream in the middle. And then we have the black cookies with white cream covered in a chocolate coating. And the minis! And the Doublestuffs! We can’t forget the Doublestuffs! And you can buy them all today at your neighborhood grocery store courtesy of Barack Obama, and pay for them using your food stamps, which are ALSO traceable right back to the same man, President Barack Obama. Now what the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah, gongs.”

Newt Gingrich, former House speaker and now co-host of CNN’s “Crossfire.”

- - -

“You tell them Newtie! That’s my brother! We’re twins, you know. Were twins. If one of us is dead, do we still count as twins? If my brother was a brand of cookie, would he be called ‘Fig Newtie’? Ha ha ha ha ho ho ho.”

Benny Hill Gingrich, late British comedian

Overheard at Newt's House

Newt Gingrich

“This man is not my twin brother. That is a vicious rumor started by Bojangles Muldoon, the writer of this blog, and I resent it. Muldoon is a liar with a potty mouth. Shithead.”

Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House

- - -

Benny Hill Gingrich

“Aww, come on, Newtie! Why deny me any longer? We’re brothers!”

Benny Hill Gingrich, British comedian and long-denied fraternal twin brother of Newt.

Newt Gingrich

- - -

“I have never seen you before in my life. And I certainly never watched your vulgar TV show.”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“I can prove we are brothers.”

Benny Hill Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

- - -

“If it is a birth certificate you’ve got, it’s a fake.”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“Nope. What I have is this: ‘What is the difference between a whore and a vitamin?’”

Benny Hill Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

- - -

“’I can’t make a vitamin!’ SHIT. I shouldn’t have answered that. How did I know that?”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“’I’ve never been so insulted in all my life…’”

Benny Hill Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

- - -

 “’It’s not my fault! You should get out more.’

GODDAMIT. How do I know these punch lines?  I can’t keep myself from answering these.”

Newt Gingrich

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“’Officials in the UK have announced drivers will soon switch to drive in the right-hand lane as is done in the United States…’”

Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

Newt Gingrich

“’Reportedly, the switchover will be made gradually.’

FUCK! How do I know these punch lines?”

Newt Gingrich

- - -

Benny Hill Gingrich

“You know the punchlines ’cuz you are my brother, Newtie! ‘Why do we wash our clothes in Tide?’”
Benny Hill Gingrich

- - -

“’Because it’s too damn cold out-Tide!’ HO HO HO! I always loved that one! HOLY FUCK! I think we are brothers! Wow. I think I am starting to remember...”

Newt Gingrich

(...to be continued...)