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| Newt Gingrich |
“The number of gangs in our country
has increased 40 percent since President Obama took office. We’ve also seen
great increases in the number of gnomes, fairies, comedians, accountants,
witches, warlocks, wizards, warts, giant boa constrictors with false teeth,
giant boa constrictors wearing feather boas, summer reruns, paisley ties,
locusts, scams involving Nigerian princes, train robbers, brands of natural
peanut butter, gay cartoon characters, gays in the military, gays in the House,
gays in the Senate, gays mentioned in songs written by Hal David and Burt
Bacharach, loud socks, loud sucks worn by gays mentioned in songs written by
Hal David and Burt Bacharach, movies set in the future, movies set in the past,
movies built around superheroes, girls named Michael, boys named Amy, nuns in
the U.S. Army, nuns in the U.S. Army shooting children in foreign lands while
saying the Rosary, brands of prophylactics, colors of prophylactics, colors of
paint, colors of nail polish, colors of T-shirts, colors of shoes, and types of
Oreo cookies—which is pretty fucking fitting, don’t you think? We have always
had the black Oreo cookies with white in the center, but now we have black cookies
with green/orange/whatever-the-fuck holiday color is appropriate in the middle,
and we have vanilla cookies on the outside with black creek in the middle, or
vanilla cookies on the outside with white cream in the middle. And then we have
the black cookies with white cream covered in a chocolate coating. And the
minis! And the Doublestuffs! We can’t forget the Doublestuffs! And you can buy
them all today at your neighborhood grocery store courtesy of Barack Obama, and
pay for them using your food stamps, which are ALSO traceable right back to the
same man, President Barack Obama. Now what the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah, gongs.”
Newt Gingrich, former House speaker and now co-host of CNN’s “Crossfire.”
- - -
“You tell them Newtie! That’s my
brother! We’re twins, you know. Were twins. If one of us is dead, do we still count as twins? If
my brother was a brand of cookie, would he be called ‘Fig Newtie’? Ha ha ha ha
ho ho ho.”
Benny Hill Gingrich, late British comedian
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