Overheard on Twitter:

Eric Cantor

“Obamacare is costing 2 million Americans their jobs, goddammit! That’s what we Republicans have been warning you against all along! And now the Congressional Budget Office confirms it!”

House Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

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Mister Ed

“Rep. Cantor-r-r-r-r-r-r? That’s not what the report says at all. What the CBO says is that as a result of the Affordable Care Act making health insurance and Medicaid available to more citizens, it is likely that up to 2 million Americans will decide they do not need to work as much, or at all, just to have access to healthcare, and the result will be a drop in the size of the available labor force. What that will mean is most likely a steep decline in unemployment numbers, without there being an increase in the number of people just looking for work. I’m a fucking horse and even I understood that report when I read it.”

Mister Ed, famous talking horse and Fox anchor

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Eric Cantor

 

“You know they turn old horses into glue, right?”

Rep. Cantor

Overheard on Rep. Eric Cantor's Cellphone:

Pope Francis I

“Unjust social conditions such as unemployment and income disparity lead to sin, financial ruin and even suicide. That’s the truth and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss my papal ass.”

Pope Francis I

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Eric Cantor

“If you really understood capitalism, you’d like it more and wouldn’t complain so much about the negative effects it has. Making money is a good thing! Earning big bucks from child laborers and poor people rocks! Dodging taxes through corporate deductions feels better than sex!”

House Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

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Pope Francis I

 

“Rep. Cantor? I run the goddam Catholic Church … and you think I don’t understand capitalism? About making money off poor people? About dodging taxes? You small time piker! YOU help run a country; I run the fucking CHURCH! Are you meshugana?”

Pope Francis I

Overheard on 'Face the Nation':

Eric Cantor

"We Republicans in the House just don't trust that damn President Obama on immigration. He's just too fucking smart for us."

House Majority Whip Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

Overheard on 'Face the Nation':

Eric Cantor

"In the past, we've always pushed through a lot of partisan shit with the debt ceiling expansion, so don't think it isn't going to happen this time. It will! This is Congress!"

House Majority Whip Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

Overheard in the House:

John Boehner

“The Farm Bill agreement does not cut $800 million from food stamps. It actually is more subtle and clever than that. The cut will actually come from the Low-Income Heating Assistance Program by basing those government handouts on eligibility determinations adjusted for food stamp program. So we won't cut their food, but we will cut the amount we give them to help heat their homes in the winter! It’s a clever swindle, actually. And as long as the poor get fucked, the GOP is satisfied.”

Speaker of the House Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)

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Eric Cantor

“Yeah, the $4 billion we cut from the food stamp program back in September wasn’t enough to pay for the increased subsidies we’re giving to most agricultural crops under this new Farm Bill! We have to pay for those handouts to Big Agriculture somehow, dammit! Consider this the GOP’s answer to Michelle Obama’s unsuccessful effort to end obesity. We Republicans are going to end obesity in poor children, goddammit! If you don’t have enough to eat, you damn well can’t get fat!”

House Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

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John Boehner

“And if your body has to burn up what calories you do take in just to stay warm, those poor kids will get even skinnier! Goddam, we are good! How do we keep coming up with this shit?”

Rep. Boehner