Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

“All these immigrant children—the so-called DREAMERS?—99% of the little bastards got here by bringing marijuana across the border. That’s why so many of them end up as track stars at their high school—they have leg muscles bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s by running back and forth across the border and hiding in caves. And then we are supposed to let them become citizens? With rights and everything? When they bring these drugs into our communities and sell them to our kids?”

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), a TEA Party favorite

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“Make them citizens? We ought to be certifying them as heroes, dude. Ever think the kids here in America maybe like what they are selling? Radical! Whoa… I think the earth just moved.”

Jeff Spicolli, expert stoner

Overheard in Minnesota:

Rep. Bachmann

"My decision not to seek a fifth term of office had absolutely nothing to do with the ongoing FBI investigation of my 2012 campaign for president for alleged financial irregularities, though I am hoping that if I go away, the FBI will walk away, if you know what I mean.
I have asked Jesus for his help with that as well."

Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), unsuccessful candidate for the GOP's nomination for president in 2012 and a TEA Party favorite, who announced this week she will not seek a fifth term in Congress.

Jesus Christ

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"Michele, I've told you before: I don't do personal requests that are designed to get people out of trouble. You are the one who fucked up, bitch. Deal with it. What is the worst thing they can do? Crucify you? I think not. Any way, I survived it. It's not so bad."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Rep. Bachmann

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"So… that means you will help me, right?"

Rep. Bachmann

Jesus Christ

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"No, that means I will not help you and you are a bad person for even thinking I would."

Jesus Christ

Rep. Bachmann

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"So how soon will you answer my prayers, Jesus? It says right in

the Bible that if I ask you for something in my prayers, you will answer me."

Rep. Bachmann

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Jesus Christ

"I am pleased to answer you, Michele. And the answer is NO. Now, get your ass into rehab and get off the klonopin."

Jesus Christ 

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"Definitely klonopin, Jesus-looking dude. She is way too fucked up for just weed. Did I buy herb off you last week?" 

 Jeff Spicolli

Overheard on Fox:

Brad Blakeman

"By giving 15-year-old girls access to the Plan B birth control, President Obama is endorsing statutory rape. He is putting the presidential stamp of approval on it, in fact. He might as well start renting out the Lincoln Bedroom for afterschool romps."

Brad Blakeman, Republican Strategist, speaking on Fox

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Jeff Spicollli

"Wow. I think he said that without being stoned. I don't think I've EVER been THAT stoned. But wait.... the Lincoln Bedroom... Wow. Lincoln's bed... Did he build it out of those famous logs? Radical!"

  

Jeff Spicolli, renowned stoner