Overheard in China:

Michelle Obama

“Dammit! I came all the way over here to China to get a few of those ‘Obama Mao’ T-shirts you sell at the shops around the Great Wall … and now you’ve made the vendors put them away? That’s just some BULL-shit.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, after learning screen print T-shirts featuring the president’s likeness wearing a Chairman Mao were not on sale during her ongoing visit.

Overheard on 'Hannity':

Sarah Palin

 

“The world looks at President Obama as someone who wears ‘mom jeans’ and behaves like a little girl. Meanwhile, they think of President Putin and think of him wrestling bears, personally drilling oil wells and beating up gays and lesbians, you know, macho stuff. Face it: our president isn’t the manliest thing with a penis on this planet.”

Sarah Palin, reality TV star/Fox pundit/conservative superstar

- - -

Michelle Obama

“Don't be talking about my husband, you white trailer park bitch. I will kick your ass. No, Barack isn’t the macho-est thing with a penis; that would be you. And Barack doesn’t have to be macho. He leaves that to you loud mouth rednecks. Barack has actually accomplished things. He's been elected president twice. And he actually served a full term and is in the midst of his second. And you are about to start your second ... reality TV series.”

First Lady Michelle Obama

Overheard on Michelle Obama's Cellphone:

Michelle Obama

“No one bothered to ask, but I was NOT pissed off at that stupid little ‘selfie’ picture taken at the Mandela Memorial. Why would I be? I look pissed off in that photo because I saw some raggedy-ass white bitch wearing the same dress as me. I am the damn First Lady. That shit ain’t right.”

FLOTUS Michelle Obama

Overheard in Brazil:

Dilma Rousseff

“You want to spy on my people? Fine! I’m not coming to visit! Goddam nosey Americans! As if anyone in Brazil actually spies on you or gives a shit about you! Oh yeah. We’re a haven for terrorism down here in Brazil. We are all too busy down here parading around on nude beaches, using drugs, and getting tanned to do any spying or terror bullshit! What a shithead you are. Fuck you, President Obama!”

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff

Michelle Obama

- - -

“Oh, damn, Barack. I really wanted her to visit. I was hoping she could teach me how to do that Brazilian wax thing.”

First Lady Michelle Obama

- - -

Barack Obama

“Oh sure. NOW you tell me. Nice.”

President Barack Obama

Overheard at the White House:

Michelle Obama

"Call ME a monster, will you Mr. GLENN Beck? Now your DAMN vocal cords are paralyzed. Hmmmmm…. wonder if there is any connection? All I can tell you is that prayer is even MORE POWERFUL than I ever imagined. Praise Jesus and fuck all them conservatives!”

First Lady Michelle Obama, whom Beck called a monster last week. Beck announced his silenced status via cue cards.