Overheard on 'The O'Reilly Factor'

Bill O'Reilly

“Rush Limbaugh is a pompous, arrogant, self-important prick who resorts to lies and distortions to maintain his relevance in American society today. I, of course, never have to stoop to such steps because I am so much fucking smarter than he is, and because I am humbly relevant whenever I choose to be. Rush said some really shitty things about my dear friend Oprah Winfrey and I want her to know, all she has to do is call and I will go over and kick his pimply cottage cheese ass on her behalf.”

Bill O’Reilly, addressing negative comments Limbaugh made about Oprah and her recent racist experience in Sweden.

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Oprah

"I didn't know we were friends, Bill. Thank you very much for the offer, but I'm a non-violent person. I am very touched."

Oprah

Bill O'Reilly

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"Oh, don't be, Oprah. I really don't like you at all. But I really hate Rush Limbaugh and would take any opportunity to kick sand onto his beach blanket."

Bill O'Reilly

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Oprah

"'Kick sand on his beach blanket?' That sounds kind of homoerotic, Bill. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL AMERICA, BILL? ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET FINALLY?"

Oprah

Bill O'Reilly

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"Yeah I have something to tell America: Fuck off."

Bill O'Reilly 

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Oprah

"Nice. Do you kiss Rush Limbaugh with that mouth?"

Oprah

Bill O'Reilly

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"Yes, but only after I've rubbed dog shit on my lips."

Bill O'Reilly

Oprah

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"Oh, Bill! That's just nasty!"

Oprah

Overheard in an Upcoming Interview:

Oprah

“Lindsay, are you an addict? The world wants to know. Lindsay Lohan, are you an addict? ARE YOU AN ADDICT, LINDSAY?”

Oprah

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Lindsay Lohan

“Jesus Fucking Christ, Oprah. Are you always like this? I sure as fuck hope I am an addict, otherwise I spent 90 days in rehab and went through cold turkey for no fucking reason. If I’m not an addict, that means I put about a bazillion dollars’ worth of various drugs up and into every single one of my bodily orifices for no damn reason. There has to be a reason, ergo, I am an addict.”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

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“So you want to be an addict? Is that it, Lindsay?
DO YOU WANT TO BE AN ADDICT”

Oprah

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Lindsay Lohan

“Oprah, no one grows up thinking, ‘Someday, I want to be an addict’ and earn money by blowing sailors at $5 a pop. Like everything else good in life, addiction requires work before you get good at it. And it happens for a lot of reasons. But an addict is always an addict is always an addict. That’s forever. I’m kind of surprised, frankly, that you didn’t know that. Addiction is forever but your status as a user changes—yes I am/no I’m not—using crack, cocaine, heroin, Adderall, alcohol, marijuana, Vicodin, Oxycotin and klonopin. Wow. Just saying all of those words made me salivate. Do you understand me now, Oprah? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW, O?”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

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“Are you shitting me, girl? Addiction is forever? You can’t make that shit go away? Whitney Huston and Charlie Sheen told me that would go away!”

Oprah

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“Well I am giving you the truth, Miss Winfrey. That’s what addiction is all about. Wanna see my tits? Everyone else has.”

Lindsay Lohan

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Oprah

“Sonuvabitch. And here I thought when you went into rehab, you were free at last, FREE AT LAST! And, no, I don't want to see your skanky white girl tits. Already seen them.”

Oprah

Lindsay Lohan

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“Do you have to quote Martin Luther King Jr. every day? Do I look like a slain civil rights leader to you, Oprah?”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

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“You looked like a dead civil rights leader when you went into rehab. You was looking pretty bad, girl, that's for goddam sure. Keith Richards wanted all of his photos taken standing next to you because YOU made HIM look good.”

Oprah

 

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“Go ahead. Rub it in. If it wasn’t for the $2 million you are giving me, I wouldn’t be on this goddam show, you know. Christ, I need a drink. Or at least some Adderall.”

Lindsay Lohan

Oprah

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“It’s only $1 million, bitch--$2 million if you break down and sob hysterically, begging for your mama. I ain’t seen that shit yet.”

Oprah

Overheard on 'Dr. Phil':

Dr. Phil

"Ask my wife. I am just as much of an insufferable prick in real life as I am on television. By the way, you can thank Oprah for inflicting me on the universe."

Dr. Phil (McGraw)