Overheard off Sesame Street:

 

“Get out there and buy Elmo's shit, people! Do it in remembrance of Jim Henson! Jim would want Elmo to have all of this money! Elmo promises! Only 14 days till Christmas! Elmo needs money! Cocaine and whores are expensive. Ask Big Bird. He'll tell you.”

Elmo

Overheard on Elmo's Cellphone:

Rafael Cruz Sr.

“President Obama should go back to Kenya! And leave us Christian Americans alone! He’s a Muslim! He hates puppies and kittens! And chocolate! And he is just like Cuban President Fidel Castro!”

Rafael Cruz Sr., father of Sen. Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz Jr. (R-Texas), addressing TEA Party supporters. Cruz is a native Cuban, and in the 1950s, joined Fidel Castro’s guerrilla groups and supported their attempts to overthrow Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista. In 1957, after being jailed for supporting Castro, Cruz Sr. secured an exit permit and fled Cuba. A former Canadian citizen, the now twice-divorced Cruz Sr. became a U.S. citizen in 2005. A born-again fundamentalist Christian since the 1970s, Cruz Sr. is one of his son’s innermost circle and closest advisers.

Elmo

- - -

"I think he looks like Elmo! Maybe he watches too much of my show! But who the fuck is Fidel Castro? Elmo no historian!"

Elmo

Overheard off Sesame Street:

“Ice Cube is a pussy. Check out MY shit. This is going to be on my next CD - Elmo Raps! It will be out in time for Christmas. Just $29.95!”

Elmo

Straight from Sesame

Crazy muppetfucker named Elmo

From a gang called Muppets with Attitudes

When I’m called off

I got a sawed off

Squeeze the trigger and bodies are hauled off

You too Count, if ya fuck with me

The police are gonna hafta come and get me

Off yo’ ass, that’s how I’m going out

For the punk muppetfuckers that’s showing out

Muppets start to mumble, they wanna rumble

Mix ‘em an cook ‘em in a pot like gumbo

Goin’ off on a muppetfucker like that

With a gat that’s pointed at yo ass

So give it up smooth

Ain’t no tellin' when I’m down for a jack move

Here’s a murder rap to keep yo’ dancing

With a crime record like Bert and Ernie

My AK-47 is the tool

Don’t make me act the muppetfucking fool

Me you can go toe to toe, no maybe

I’m knocking muppets out the box, daily, yo weekly, monthly and yearly

Until them dumb muppetfuckers see clearly that I’m down with the capital A-B-C

Boy, you can’t fuck with me

So when I’m in your neighborhood, you better duck

'Cuz Elmo is crazy as fuck

As I leave, believe I’m stompin’

But when I come back, boy,

I’m coming straight from Sesame

Overheard off Sesame Street:

Kermit

“The truth about Bert and Ernie’s relationship has never been a secret here on Sesame Street."

Kermit the Frog

- - -

Big Bird

"We’ve all known about it since the beginning. It's never been a big deal for us."

Big Bird

- - -

Kermit

"And we support THEM. They are two very loving men who are better for having found each other. And they are our friends. We love them."

Kermit the Frog

Big Bird

- - -

"Yeah. What he said.

Big Bird

 

- - -

Kermit

"And now we’re thrilled that they will be able to get married because our production is based in one of the 13 states that allow gay marriage! Just think... if the Supreme Court had a decent sized set of balls between them, they would have made same-sex marriage legal nationwide as a matter of civil rights!"

Kermit the Frog  

- - -

Big Bird

"Cookie Monster and Lars, the Swedish Chef, will be catering it; Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem will be playing. It is going to be a great time. I’d invite you all, but we really don’t like humans all that much. You are just too goddam needy."

Big Bird

Kermit

 

- - -

"You real people out there who are still fighting over this divisive issue need to grow up and  accept change."

Kermit the Frog  

Big Bird

- - -

"Thanks for listening!"

Big Bird

- - -

Big Bird

“So… do you think they will stop fighting?”

Big Bird

Kermit

- - -

“Nope. Americans are too fucking stupid. They will keep fighting over this until one side or the other dies. So much hatred...  I just can't understand the concept of hating a group of people just because of whom they love... but I'm made of felt.
What the fuck do I know."

Kermit the Frog

Kermit

 

- - -

“What?"

Kermit

Kermit the Frog 

 

- - -

"The camera is still on and we’re broadcasting?
YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!”

Kermit the Frog

 - - -

“Kermit always does that--he says lots of shit about humans! This time, Elmo made sure you all heard it. Frog not such a nice guy, is he? But Elmo loves everybody!”

Elmo