Overheard in New Jersey:

Sarah Palin

"Yep! I’m a going to New Jersey to campaign for Senate candidate Steve Lonegan. I LOVE Steve! He is ‘one of us’! He ‘gets’ us conservatives! He wants to make America a place where the only ideas are acceptable are the ones conservatives endorse! He supports gun rights and hates gays! He hates abortions! He has little experience—just like me back when I ran for vice president! In fact, he has LESS experience governing than I did, which probably makes him more qualified.”

Sarah Palin,former small town mayor, former half-term governor of Alaska, former vice presidential candidate, former reality show star, and Fox News commentator.

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Steve Lonegan

“I am so honored to have Sarah Palin and The TEA Party Express—all from outside New Jersey—coming in to conduct a 'grassroots' campaign behalf of me AND my tremendously shitty toupee. Meanwhile, Vice President Joe Biden wouldn’t even come to campaign for Corey Booker because of this IMAGINED government shutdown crisis in Washington. Pish posh. Biden just didn’t want to stand next to Booker—and certainly not in front of Booker—you know, because Booker is just not a manly man!”

New Jersey GOP Senate Candidate Steve Lonegan

Corey Booker

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“I didn’t realize Sarah Palin knew where New Jersey was. In fact, I’ll wager she didn’t until someone showed her on a map.”

Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, N.J., and Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate

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Sarah Palin

“Well you listen up, Mr. Booger. I knows where all 'a the states is at. I have a lot in common with New Jersey. I have a garden, too, you know.”

Sarah Palin

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Corey Booker

“I will bet you do. Welcome in advance to the Garden State, Mrs. Palin. I’m pleased you could make it.”

Corey Booker

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Snooki

“Sarah Palin? Here? She’s my idol! We have so MUCH in common. I'm smarter, but we're both sluts and have almost the same hairdo!”

Snooki

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Tony Soprano

“Sarah Palin? Here? I hate that broad. Christ. Paulie—take care a dis.”

Tony Soprano, New Jersey mob boss

Paulie Gualtieri

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“This one is for free, boss. It will be my sincere pleasure.”

Paulie Gualtieri

Overheard in New Jersey:

 

"It is really weird that Cory Booker won’t deny he’s gay. I like being a 'real' guy and gays are just not ‘real guys.’ I am a manly man. I like to cut down trees, beat up women, and shit in the woods.”

New Jersey GOP Senate Candidate Steve Lonegan.

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Cory Booker

“If people want to believe I’m gay, I don’t care. I am secure enough in my masculinity that if someone says I’m gay, I just say I’m flattered they think so. That means they think I am hot enough to be attractive to other men. Have you seen some of the gay guys out there? Some of those boys are hotter than shit! I’d be pleased to be a part of that hunky crowd. And if I was gay, would it matter? Is Lonegan saying that only a ‘manly man’ can serve as a senator? Or do certain jobs? Didn’t this asshole ever see the Village People? And P.S. Stevie: I know a lot of gay men who could kick your ‘manly man’ ass from here to San Francisco and then ride you back to Jersey.”

Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, N.J., and Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate

Steve Lonegan

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 “Don’t you see? Even his answers are queer. Why if someone said to me, ‘I think you are gay,’ I wouldn’t thank them—I’d kick the shit out of them just as any other heterosexual-missionary-position-is-best man would do! I’d beat the living daylights out of them! I’d hold them down and make them my bitch!”

Steve Lonegan

Cory Booker

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“Wow, Stevie. That sounds pretty gay!”

Cory Booker

Steve Lonegan

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“Well at least I don’t get up at 3 a.m. and go out for a manicare or a panamedie or whatever the fuck it is you get done to your perfect gay hands.”

Steve Lonegan

Cory Booker

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“And I’ll bet you don’t wash your hands after taking a shit, either.”

Cory Booker

Steve Lonegan

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“As a matter of fact, I don’t. I don’t like my hands to smell all flowery like a girl's hands!”

Steve Lonegan

Cory Booker

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“C’mon out of the closet, Steve! I can tell you are just BURNING to show the world your true gay colors. You can dye that toupee of yours in a rainbow! Your gayness won’t matter to me. I will gladly represent you just as well if you are gay as I would if you were straight.”

Cory Booker

Steve Lonegan

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 “Now you’re trying to pull those gay Jedi mind tricks on me and make me think I’m gay. That’s why you gays do—trick straight guys into thinking they are gay so you can have sex with them. It’s gay voodoo is what that is. C’mon over to my office and I will kick your ass!”

Steve Lonegan

Cory Booker

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“’'Kick’ my ass?' C’mon Stevie. That’s not what you REALLY want to do to my fine ebony ass, is it? Tell the truth now, come on…”

Cory Booker