Overheard at Burger King:

Eric Cantor

“This government stuff is just really hard! Even for a genius like me! You peons have no idea.”

Majority Whip Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

Overheard on Eric Cantor's Cellphone:

Eric Cantor

“Look, the House of Representatives worked 126 days in 2013. Goddamit, that’s too many. WE'RE NOT SLAVES, YOU KNOW! LINCOLN FREED US, TOO! We’re only going to work 113 days in 2014. That's ONLY about $1,600 per day. WE'RE WORTH IT! Aren't we? OK, OK. Gohmert isn't—but the rest of us are! Right? The fact that so many of us will have mid-term elections in 2014 has absolutely nothing to do with the change, but yes, in 2012 when we also had midterm elections, we did only work 112 days. It’s a mere coincidence. Yes, you are correct, the average worker in the nation is on the job 261 days a year, and if they don’t show up, and don’t do shit, they don’t get paid. Funny how that shit works, isn’t it?”

Majority Whip Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)

Overheard Outside Eric Cantor's Office:

Eric Cantor

“After all of this screaming and yelling, yes, the House GOP is going to authorize increasing the debt ceiling, because, well, we don’t really have a choice. The president has been right all along. We can’t hold up the debt ceiling because we want to get a pound of flesh. Instead of beating that dead horse, we instead are going to totally fuck up the immigration bill, and we are going to force President Barack Obama to accept the next round of sequester cuts, no matter who screams and cries, despite ALL OF THE EVIDENCE SHOWING THAT THE SEQUESTER IS TOTALLY FUCKING THE ECONOMY UP AND ONLY HURTING LOWER INCOME AMERICANS BY CUTTING DRASTICALLY OR TOTALLY ELIMINATING PARTS OF OUR SOCIAL SAFETY NET. We’re Republicans. We don’t give a fuck about low-income Americans, and you can just take your social safety net and go catch baby dolphins to feed to the poor. I’d say, ‘How do you like them apples,’ but no family receiving any type of public assistance will be able to afford apples this year, so I won't say it because that would be mean. Muahahahahahahahahahaha.”

Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia), Majority Leader for the House, whose personal worth is estimated at between $3.4 and $9.4 million, while he earns $193,400 per year in Congress.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Eric Cantor

"Yeah..... we'll let employers give you time off--comp time--instead of paying you overtime, as long as that's what you want. But don't worry--employers won't take advantage of it and the employee can take it any time they want (laugh, laugh, snicker, snicker)... and the employer can't make the worker take comp time instead of money and can't apply ANY pressure (laugh, laugh, snicker, snicker)... And don't worry about those companies that have cut staff so much that employees are already donating a lot of time for free our of fear they will lose their job, and therefore will never be able to take any comp time... It will all work out FINE. We Republicans are very PRO-LABOR you know. We love American workers! They pay taxes!"

Eric Cantor (R-Virginia), Majority Leader for the House, whose personal worth is estimated at between $3.4 and $9.4 million, while he earns $193,400 per year in Congress.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Mitch McConnell

"All right now, gentlemen, sing along to the tune of 'Under the Boardwalk.'"

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), whose personal fortune is estimated at $50 million. McConnell is known to smile only when draining the life force from young children and the elderly—preferably both at the same time.

Oh, when the budget's broke, we want to blame the other gu-y

'Cuz if we fess up, it just might mean bye-bye!

Under sequester

Here in D.C.-e-e-e

You know we're gonna fuck you

That's just how it be

Rep. Eric Cantor

Under sequester: we'll shut down the parks

Under sequester: you will see the sparks

Under sequester: we're cutting your stuff

Under sequester: don't give us no guff

Under sequester: FESTER.

Rep. John Boehner

Oh from the veterans groups you hear bitching 'bout the cuts.

And in the mental wards, they're just throwin' out the nuts

Under sequester

Here in D.C.-e-e-e

You know we're gonna fuck you

That's just how it be

Rep. Paul Ryan

Under sequester: we'll shut to the parks

Under sequester: you will see the sparks

Under sequester: we're cutting your stuff

Under sequester: don't give us no guff

Under sequester: FESTER.

Under sequester: FESTER.

Mitch McConnell

 

"That was so good it brought tears to my eyes."

Sen. McConnell