Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Mitch McConnell

"All right now, gentlemen, sing along to the tune of 'Under the Boardwalk.'"

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), whose personal fortune is estimated at $50 million. McConnell is known to smile only when draining the life force from young children and the elderly—preferably both at the same time.

Oh, when the budget's broke, we want to blame the other gu-y

'Cuz if we fess up, it just might mean bye-bye!

Under sequester

Here in D.C.-e-e-e

You know we're gonna fuck you

That's just how it be

Rep. Eric Cantor

Under sequester: we'll shut down the parks

Under sequester: you will see the sparks

Under sequester: we're cutting your stuff

Under sequester: don't give us no guff

Under sequester: FESTER.

Rep. John Boehner

Oh from the veterans groups you hear bitching 'bout the cuts.

And in the mental wards, they're just throwin' out the nuts

Under sequester

Here in D.C.-e-e-e

You know we're gonna fuck you

That's just how it be

Rep. Paul Ryan

Under sequester: we'll shut to the parks

Under sequester: you will see the sparks

Under sequester: we're cutting your stuff

Under sequester: don't give us no guff

Under sequester: FESTER.

Under sequester: FESTER.

Mitch McConnell

 

"That was so good it brought tears to my eyes."

Sen. McConnell

Overheard in the Senate:

Ted Cruz

"Yesterday, I led the 36th attempt by Republicans in the Senate to appeal the Affordable Care Act—Obamacare to people trying to make it sound yucky. Funny, isn't? We Republicans just can't tackle any other single problem in the entire nation other than this piece of legislation. I wonder if we have some motivation for that."

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who has a net worth estimated at $3.5 million.

 - - -

Marco Rubio

"And that's not all! When no one was looking, we Senate Republicans attached FIVE anti-abortion amendments to the budget resolution, in an effort to FURTHER RESTRICT the healthcare options of women in the United States AND AROUND THE WORLD, while getting it passed under the cover of the budget! We want out women barefoot, pregnant, and subservient to their men. And yet.... American women keep voting us into office. "

Sen. Marco Rubio, the great non-white hope of the GOP and one-time King of Pork Barrel Projects in the state of Florida, whose net worth is estimated at somewhere between $-370,000 and $300,000. (The negative sign is not a typo.)

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Rick Santorum

"We could have been a team, Newt! We could have been contenders! We could own the White House right now! But your arrogance got in the way."

Rick Santorum, America's favorite Roman Catholic and founding member of the National He-Man Homo-Haters Club, whose personal net worth is estimated at  between $500,000 and $2.6 million.

- - -

Newt Gingrich

"My arrogance? MY ARROGANCE? You neo-fascist latent homosexual bastard! It was your arrogance that kept the 'conservative dream team' from happening."

Newt Gingrich, pundit, former presidential candidate, former Speaker of the House, formerly relevant politico whose net worth is estimated at somewhere between $7 and $18 million.

 - - -

Santorum

"I am not a neo-fascist. And the only thing bigger than your ego is your ass."

Santorum

 - - -

Gingrich

"Ass jokes? From YOU? We all know I should have been at the top of the ticket, Ricky. You're a bottom; everyone knows that just by looking at you.

 Gingrich

Santorum

  - - -

"Fuck off. Go divorce a cancer victim."

 Santorum

Gingrich

- - -

"The very next one I find, I will. I don't like having them around; they are just too messy. Meanwhile, you can go blow a horse. We know what a fan you are of bestiality.

Gingrich

Mister Ed

 - - -

"Hey! Keep us horses out of it."

Mister Ed, famous talking horse