Overheard on the 'My Jerry Is Innocent' Tour 2014:

Jerry Sandusky

"She's gullible as a 3-year-old, stupider than shit and deaf as a piece of pumpkin pie but she's mine and I love her."

Jerry Sandusky, convicted child rapist, speaking from his prison cell, as part of Dottie Sandusky's "My Jerry is Innocent" Tour 2014

Overheard Everywhere:

Jerry Sandusky

"Yeah, I hugged them. Maybe I tested boundaries. Maybe I shouldn't have showered with them. Yeah, I tickled them... But the witness who saw me raping a boy in the shower misinterpreted what he saw. It was horseplay. Fun and games. A few laughs. Don't all guys play around by one of them forcibly penetrating the other with his penis? Horseplay/rape, po-ta-to/po-tah-toe, to-ma-to/to-mah-toe... "

Convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky, 69, who is serving a 30- to 60-year prison sentence after being convicted last year of 45 counts of child sexual abuse. Sandusky's words were broadcast March 25, 2013, by NBC as part of a story about a documentary filmmaker who is producing a film that he believes will prove Joe Paterno, late Penn State football coach, was not a knowing conspirator in the alleged coverup of Sandusky's crimes by PSU officials.

  

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Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier

"(INSERT NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE PEDOPHILE HERE) is not a criminal; he is mentally ill, just like all of the pedophile Catholic priests. The pedophile priests need mental health treatment, not jail."

South African Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier, who paradoxically believes that while the sexual assault of a child is a crime, pedophiles are not criminals and instead should be provided with mental health assistance, not jail. Napier was one of the 115 cardinals who helped select Pope Francis I.

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals

"OK guys, before we get to work here, I would like us to consider making honorary priest, Father Jerry Sandusky of Pennsylvania, U.S.A., a saint. Yeah, I know he is not dead yet, but in light of the miracle he performed, I'd like to see that rule waived. His miracle? Two actually. First, that it took so bloody long for him to get caught, and second, that he was only charged with but a small fraction of his actual offenses. He is a pedophile of whom we can all be proud--or at least jealous! Let's have a cheer: Jer-ry. JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"

The Cardinals

Jesus Christ

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"Listen up, Funny Hat Brigade. You are actually managing the unthinkable: you are starting to piss off Jesus Christ, the son of God, something that is damn hard to do. If you actually make Jerry the Pedophile a saint, prepare for plagues. I'm talking locusts, lightning, frogs, giant beetles, snakes, kumquats, kazoo parades, small children with runny noses, telemarketers, and a 24-hour Brittney Spears concert. ALL AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure Father will sanction it when I tell him what you are considering. Fucking ingrates. Don't you know the meaning of the word propriety? What? No, I don't have a lamb today. Friday is cheeseburger night here in Heaven. I'll bet that pisses the Catholics off after all those years of 'Fish on Friday.' HA! And no, I'm not carrying a cow around. A lamb is easy to carry. A steer is a lot more cumbersome. What would I do with it, balance it on my head? I could do that but it would look pretty stupid, don't you think?"

 

Jesus Christ

Overheard in a Confessional:

Pope Benedict XVI

"This is my last official day as the pope! What can I possibly do to help humanity? Oh, wait. I don't give a shit about humanity. Humanity is so goddam tiresome. I am supposed to meet with the cardinals, but what do I care of them? Instead, I shall go shopping. SHOPPING! What a day I shall have! What shall I buy? Oh, I know—a Penn State football jersey! I shall wear it with great pride in honor of my friend, Jerry."

Pope Benedict XVI

Jerry Sandusky

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"Hey, thanks, there, your pontif-ness! The school can use the money to pay legal expenses, you know what a bitch those are. And thanks for making me an honorary priest and naming me to the 'Papal Gold Circle of Pedophiles.' If I ever get out of jail, I look forward to having my own altar boys."

Jerry Sandusky, convicted pedophile/child rapist and former assistant football coach at Penn State University

Overheard in a Confessional:

Pope Benedict XVI

"As one of my final non-public acts as pope, I plan to make Jerry Sandusky an honorary priest. He certainly meets most of the qualifications, especially the part about raping young boys. He has damaged enough young boys to qualify for the 'Papal Gold Circle of Pedophiles,' which guarantees you a new parish anytime too many people start asking questions. Do you like my hat? I love this hat. I like to wear it to baseball games. I don't get to keep it when I leave, you know. Nor my red shoes. Heartless bastards. I love this hat."

Pope Benedict XVI

Overheard in Harrisburg, PA:

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett

"A lot of people say I'm trying to divert the attention of Pennsylvania residents from all of the things I've totally screwed up or haven't done since taking office two years ago, particularly with regard to the Jerry Sandusky child sexual assault scandal at Penn State University, not to mention my rush to sell the state lottery program and the liquor stores, and they are right as rain. But don't worry. 

"Despite the fact that I totally manipulated and contained the PSU investigation until after I was elected into office and left it for someone else to deal with, I am going to fix it now by using taxpayer dollars to sue the NCAA over the $60 million fine imposed on PSU. What? Penn State isn't a state-owned school therefore the governor has no power or authority with regard to how the university operates? Then why the hell is it named THE Pennsylvania State University? What? The university is not participating in the lawsuit? What? I haven't done a single thing to help survivors of child sexual assault since taking office and have instead cut education and human services funding at every opportunity?  

"Quit using facts to make me look bad, dammit, and just eat the gruel I'm feeding you."

Pennsylvania Governor and former state's attorney general Tom Corbett (R)

Overheard in Heaven and at a Maximum Security Prison in Pennsylvania:

"I had a charmed life. I earned a fabulous salary, my death made my family wealthy beyond all reasonable expectations, and the people loved me and believed what I said I stood for. In return, I won a lot of football games and helped a few football players get an education. Who would have thought I'd be tarnished by a little child sexual assault cover-up I participated in and condoned? (And yes, that is EXACTLY what I did, whether you believe it or not, whether you like it or not.) I just don't understand America anymore." 

The late Joe Paterno, former football coach at The Pennsylvania State University.

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"You tell 'em, JoePa! Let he among us who hasn't raped a child in the shower cast the first stone." 

Jerry Sandusky, convicted pedophile/child rapist and former assistant coach at PSU.