Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Rand Paul

"There IS a written IRS policy that authorizes the IRS to piss all over anyone who opposes the president..

…No, I've never seen it…

…No, I've never read it…

…No, it's never been read to me…

…But I have heard of that piece of paper and I do believe it exists…

"Goddammit, it HAS to exist, otherwise, I am going to look like the biggest douchebag in town!"

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky), the TEA Party-affiliated Libertarian considering a presidential run in 2016. Paul had never held office before winning election to the Senate 2010. Prior to being elected, Paul was an ophthalmologist. His personal wealth is estimated at $1.2 million.

Jesus Christ

- - -

"I've heard of Santa Claus, but I do not believe the motherfucker exists. Frosty is bullshit as well. What is it with you and the hair? Get it fixed, for Father's sake. And what's with the name? Did your asshole father name you after a map?
You really are a silly twat, aren't you?"

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"A lot of people are wondering why the hell am I appearing here and offering commentary on the ongoing pope thing. The switchboard here in Heaven has been lit up for days with all sorts of fucking questions. I come to 'Overheard Somewhere' because they let me swear profusely. No one else lets me do that and it is such fun. Try it. Say, 'shit-licking chicken-fucker' and see if you don't feel better. Meanwhile, back at the Vatican, it will just be another day of business as usual down in that Cardinals Conclave: fun, laughter, kissing ass, kissing rings, and probably some sort of contest to decide who gets to spend the day with the cutest kids from the orphanage. The cardinals are a bunch of twisted bastards. When Father said, 'Love Thy Neighbor,' he didn't mean 'Love Thy Neighbor's Little Kid in a Twisted, Sick Way That Damages Them For Life.' We can't make it stop from up here, though. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. It is you down there who have to make it stop. You have my permission to use any means necessary short of nuclear weaponry. And yes, once again, it is Greek for lunch day."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"I am talking with Father about sending a truckload of green mamba snakes down that Vatican chimney as a surprise for the Cardinals. Optimist that I am, I think it will wake them up. Father remains unconvinced. And now he has turned himself into a burning bush and is being totally non-communicative. I hate when he pulls this shit. Sometimes the old parlor tricks just get old. Heck, even Michael Jackson turned himself into a burning bush once. So did Richard Pryor. He's the creator of the universe. I believe he needs some new tricks. I shall keep you all posted."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals

"Wait... we're about to go deep undercover to talk about a new pope and instead you want us to talk publicly about BOTH child sexual assaults by priests AND the financial problems with the Vatican Bank? You also want us to talk public about how parts of the Catholic Church operate very much like organized crime? And the amazing collection of art the church holds? The vast amounts of precious metals and jewels we hold in our vaults? Well fuck all of you. We only started giving out information about the sexual assaults to shift your attention away from the bank and other issues and now you want it all. Don't you realize who we are? What we stand for?"

The Cardinals Conclave

 

 - - -

 

Jesus Christ, king of bling

"You know, if I hear one more pundit—particularly that passive-aggressive bey-otch Peggy Noonan—calling on the church to 'turn the corner' on the child sexual assault scandals I'm going to puke lepers onto the streets of Rome. 'Turn the corner'? TURN THE FUCKING CORNER? Does that mean turn the corner and put it all behind you? It doesn't work that way. What the church needs to do is to redeem itself in a real and tangible way, say paying for the creation of international service organization to help ALL child sexual assault victims and fund it for the next 50 years—or preferably for as long as the church's representatives have been raping children—without risk of funding being decreased. That would be an appropriate start, you bunch of assholes. As for the bank and all of your glitter and riches, it is time to stop. QUIT TAKING MONEY FROM PEOPLE. And while you are at it, start allowing women to be priests and bishops. Let your gays in the closet—I love them too, you stupid fuckers. You need to start all of this soon. The day of reckoning is near. (Fuck I love saying that. Thank you fundamentalists.) Oh, and notice my bling. It's dress-up day here. We wear our fancy hats with class up here."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Bill Maher

 - - -

"Holy chicken fuckers! I actually agree with Jesus on this one, and that's pretty big since I don't even believe he exists. I'm going to have to get REALLY stoned to ponder this one."

Bill Maher, comedian/author/commentator and host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals

"OK guys, before we get to work here, I would like us to consider making honorary priest, Father Jerry Sandusky of Pennsylvania, U.S.A., a saint. Yeah, I know he is not dead yet, but in light of the miracle he performed, I'd like to see that rule waived. His miracle? Two actually. First, that it took so bloody long for him to get caught, and second, that he was only charged with but a small fraction of his actual offenses. He is a pedophile of whom we can all be proud--or at least jealous! Let's have a cheer: Jer-ry. JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"

The Cardinals

Jesus Christ

- - -

"Listen up, Funny Hat Brigade. You are actually managing the unthinkable: you are starting to piss off Jesus Christ, the son of God, something that is damn hard to do. If you actually make Jerry the Pedophile a saint, prepare for plagues. I'm talking locusts, lightning, frogs, giant beetles, snakes, kumquats, kazoo parades, small children with runny noses, telemarketers, and a 24-hour Brittney Spears concert. ALL AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure Father will sanction it when I tell him what you are considering. Fucking ingrates. Don't you know the meaning of the word propriety? What? No, I don't have a lamb today. Friday is cheeseburger night here in Heaven. I'll bet that pisses the Catholics off after all those years of 'Fish on Friday.' HA! And no, I'm not carrying a cow around. A lamb is easy to carry. A steer is a lot more cumbersome. What would I do with it, balance it on my head? I could do that but it would look pretty stupid, don't you think?"

 

Jesus Christ