Overheard in Heaven:

Col. Harland Sanders

"And to think, it all started because I was afraid of chickens. I hated the sonuvabitches with their creepy little dead beady eyes. The worst thing I could think to do to them was to drop them—preferably alive--into a vat of hot bubbling oil. Over time, I perfected the technique, added the herbs and spices and the rest is history."

Col. Harland Sanders, inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"My Name in Vain! My Name in Vain! My Name in Vain with the middle Initial 'H'! At a time when the Catholic Church needs to come together, to heal, to mend, and to stand up for all of the fucked up shit it has deposited upon humanity, those stupid-ass cardinals picked as the new pope a really old man from South America who calls gay marriage a 'destructive attack on God's plan.' What a load of shit. Did the Cardinals pick someone who will be a ferocious advocate for children sexually assaulted by the pedophiles the church has protected for centuries? NO. Did they pick someone who would advocate for changes in the church's views on gender and sexuality? NO. Did they pick someone who would tell the faithful in Africa to please use condoms to stop the spread of AIDS? NO. Did the Cardinals pick someone who will usher in a new era of love and reconciliation for the church? NO. And by the way, Francis, my Father is in favor of gay marriage, and if any of you cardinals EVER bothered to ask, he'd tell you so. Fucking dickheads."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"A lot of people are wondering why the hell am I appearing here and offering commentary on the ongoing pope thing. The switchboard here in Heaven has been lit up for days with all sorts of fucking questions. I come to 'Overheard Somewhere' because they let me swear profusely. No one else lets me do that and it is such fun. Try it. Say, 'shit-licking chicken-fucker' and see if you don't feel better. Meanwhile, back at the Vatican, it will just be another day of business as usual down in that Cardinals Conclave: fun, laughter, kissing ass, kissing rings, and probably some sort of contest to decide who gets to spend the day with the cutest kids from the orphanage. The cardinals are a bunch of twisted bastards. When Father said, 'Love Thy Neighbor,' he didn't mean 'Love Thy Neighbor's Little Kid in a Twisted, Sick Way That Damages Them For Life.' We can't make it stop from up here, though. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. It is you down there who have to make it stop. You have my permission to use any means necessary short of nuclear weaponry. And yes, once again, it is Greek for lunch day."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"I am talking with Father about sending a truckload of green mamba snakes down that Vatican chimney as a surprise for the Cardinals. Optimist that I am, I think it will wake them up. Father remains unconvinced. And now he has turned himself into a burning bush and is being totally non-communicative. I hate when he pulls this shit. Sometimes the old parlor tricks just get old. Heck, even Michael Jackson turned himself into a burning bush once. So did Richard Pryor. He's the creator of the universe. I believe he needs some new tricks. I shall keep you all posted."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus

"Yeah, I hear every fucking word the Westboro Baptist Church says and I am ashamed of the hate they spray on the world in my name. A few centuries ago, my father would have just have smitted them, but somewhere along the line, he promised not to do that any more. Fucking pussy. This lamb? Why am I carrying this lamb? Oh, he's got a lunch date. I just LOVE Greek food."

Jesus, son of God