Overheard in Detroit:

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Overheard on Fox:

Cardinal Donald Wuerl

"We've been through this before. The Catholic Church's refusal to accept divorce and anything except traditional penis and vagina marriage is not bigotry. It all boils down to this: Heterosexual marriage in most cases means more children. As most of the world knows, we priests and cardinals have a special fondness for children. They are our future—or at least a fun afternoon. Fun for us, at least."

Cardinal Donald Wuerl, the archbishop of Washington. Wuerl was amongst the cardinals who helped select Pope Francis I.

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"I am calling on all Catholics to leave their comfort zone, to try new things, new ways of communing with Christ. For instance, if you are a pedophile and you wish to leave your comfort zone, try being a heterosexual, or even a homosexual, though that will damn you to hell—unless you are a priest, then it is OK, as long as you don't get caught. I hope none of this gets messed up in the translation from Italian to other languages."

Pope Francis I

Jesus Christ and his lunch

- - -

 

"Pope Franny, I would like YOU to leave your comfort zone and start acting to fix some of the problems at the Vatican and within the church. Father will only have patience for so long, ya know, and then POOF! he gets upset and the next thing you know it's raining leeches. I expect an update soon. And yes, it's Thursday, so it's Greek food day, hence the lamb. Father made mutton because it is just so damn tasty!"

Jesus Christ, son of God

Pope Francis's namesake, Francis the Talking Mule

 - - -

"If you need help, Franny, let me know. I feel an obligation since you took my name and all. But say it in English, goddamit, I don't speak Italian. Or Latin." 

Francis the Talking Mule

Overheard on 'Meet the Press':

Cardinal George

"There are no priests in service now who sexually assault children. They are all out of service. Any reports you see now are from things that happened 20 or 30 years ago."

Cardinal Francis George, archbishop of Chicago, on Meet the Press March 17, 2013. In the early 2000s, some 85 priests serving or having served in the Chicago Diocese were alleged to have sexually assaulting children, or using their position of authority to force people to engage in sex, dating back to the 1960s and continuing into the 2000s, facts which throw George's assertions into question. George has been the head of the Chicago Diocese  since 1997.

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"If the media had kissed my ass the way they kiss Pope Francis's ass, I doubt I would have ever been crucified. Ask some tough questions, journalists. You are supposed to be the first to throw stones, remember? That's why Father created you. Fucking assholes."

Jesus Christ, son of God