Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis I

"I am calling on all Catholics to leave their comfort zone, to try new things, new ways of communing with Christ. For instance, if you are a pedophile and you wish to leave your comfort zone, try being a heterosexual, or even a homosexual, though that will damn you to hell—unless you are a priest, then it is OK, as long as you don't get caught. I hope none of this gets messed up in the translation from Italian to other languages."

Pope Francis I

Jesus Christ and his lunch

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"Pope Franny, I would like YOU to leave your comfort zone and start acting to fix some of the problems at the Vatican and within the church. Father will only have patience for so long, ya know, and then POOF! he gets upset and the next thing you know it's raining leeches. I expect an update soon. And yes, it's Thursday, so it's Greek food day, hence the lamb. Father made mutton because it is just so damn tasty!"

Jesus Christ, son of God

Pope Francis's namesake, Francis the Talking Mule

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"If you need help, Franny, let me know. I feel an obligation since you took my name and all. But say it in English, goddamit, I don't speak Italian. Or Latin." 

Francis the Talking Mule

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis enjoying the bling

"Yeah, that's right. They are calling me the 'Slum Pope' because I like hanging out with poor people. What can I tell you? I like the poor. They are always glad to see you, particularly if you have food in your pockets. They are easier to manipulate than people with money, too. Why, you can take a poor kid from the slums and do just about anything to them. I mean, for them. For them. Shit. Don't print that."

Pope Francis, who is facing some criticism for his past support for and failure to speak out against the military dictatorship in Argentina in the 1970s

Francis the Talking Mule

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"Gee.... a pope who didn't speak out against a military dictatorship.... when did that ever happen in history? Oh wait, wasn't it Pope Pius XII who was really cozy with Adolf Hitler? Don't these guys know their fucking history?"

Francis the Talking Mule, reported namesake for the new pope

Overheard at the Vatican:

Pope Francis

"My name is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I am an Italian from Argentina and the first Jesuit pope. My pope name, which is sort of like a porn star name only less fun, is Pope Francis. I like gold, particularly when I am holding it in my hands. It is so very shiny. I am 76 years old. I am conservative and you know what that means. Now, get on your knees and kiss the fucking ring."

Pope Francis, the 266th pope of the Catholic Church

 

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"St. Francis of Assisi my ass—pardon the obvious pun. Wait'll they find out he took 'Francis' as his pope name to honor me. He was a big fan of my movies Don't worry, pope. My lips are sealed."

Francis the Talking Mule