Overheard Outside the Heinz Mansion:

 

John Heinz

“Trust me: there is no way President Bashar al-Assad will be part of a transitional government in Syria. He has no legitimacy as a leader.”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“Oh well sure. Everyone knows that what the man with the gray toupee says goes! Because he is the boss man! The big cheese! The grand poobah! The man who is too busy to help his poor, lonely wife change the sheets in their 32-bedroom mansion! Goddammit, John! You know what a hard time I have telling the flat sheets from the fitted ones!”

Theresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Secretary Kerry

Overheard Outside the Kerry Mansion:

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“John! Where are you! When are you coming home?”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“I can’t tell you where I am, Tessie. It pisses the Secret Service off when I do that. Just know I am out here trying to make the world a better place.”

Secretary of State John Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“John, you need to come home. The servants won’t let me break the china.”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Why do you want to break the china, dear?”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“Oh John. Stop pretending. You’ve wanted to break China for years now. I know how tiresome you find those people. Don’t deny it. I'm only trying to help.”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Uhmmm… What? Tessie? I love China, Tessie. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“NO! YOU’RE LYING! You’re are trying to MAKE ME CRAZY! Well I won’t have it! YOU HEAR ME? I WON’T HAVE IT!”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Yes dear. Goodbye now.”

Secretary Kerry

Overheard Outside the Heinz Mansion:

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“Johnny! Johnny! Where are you! I need you to come home right now!”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Now, now, Tessie, I’m in Europe right now and can’t come home. What’s the matter, sweetums?“

Secretary of State John Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

 “There are Orcs in the basement, John! You need to come home, bring your sword, go and get Gandolf, and deal with them! They are some scary creatures and I want them out of there! I think there may be Goblins down there too, but I can’t tell for sure!”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Tessie, what makes you think there are Orcs and Goblins down in the basement? I didn’t notice any the last time I was down there. Do you even know where the basement is?”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

 “I built this house with my own two hands, so I damn well do know where the basement is, Mr. John Kerry: The BASEMENT is UNDER the rest of the house.”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

“Oh, you little minx. You got me good that time, didn’t you?”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“Did you sell any sweet relish this week?  Production says they are getting backed up. You are the director of international sales, you know.”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

- - -

John Kerry

 “No, I’ve been a little busy healing some hurt feelings over here, honey, and just haven’t had the time. What have you been up to? Watching ‘The Lord of the Rings’ again?”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“I don’t have time to watch movies, Johnny! I am a busy woman! Why does this company give you a paycheck, Johnny! You work for Heinz! You need to move product! Now get to work! When will you be reporting in again? Tomorrow? Next Week? Answer quickly, Willy Loman!”

Theresa Heinz Kerry

John Kerry

- - -

 “I don’t know, Tessie. I’ll be reporting in soon.”

Secretary Kerry

- - -

Theresa Heinz Kerry

“Listen, I expect SALES! Now get to WORK! Who are you, ANY WAY? Stop calling my private number! My husband is a very jealous man!"

Theresa Heinz Kerry