Overheard on 'This Week':

Vladmir Putin

"Russia's gay propaganda law has nothing to do with prosecuting people for their nontraditional orientation. But Russian culture believes information about homosexuality can influence a child's sexual orientation. If you read about the gay boys, or if someone tells you about the gay boys, you become a gay boy. Russia needs to 'cleanse' itself of homosexuality if it wants to increase its birth rate. So we will wash them out. With soap. Everyone knows gay boys don't like soap."

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Overheard in Moscow:

 

Vladimir Putin

"I wish to make addendum. We will leave the gay boys and dykey girls alone as long as they do not attempt to fill the head of children with their ideology. I look forward to meeting the gay delegation from America. I am big fan of Brian Boitano and Billie Jean King."

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Overheard in Moscow:

Vladimir Putin

"Don't worry Olympians. Give Russia one more day. Here in Russia, we don't put up with terrorists. If we don't find the guilty suspects, we just kill all the suspects. And maybe some non-suspects. Do not worry. I would not allow anyone to harm even one hair on your heads. Unless you are gay."

Russian President Vladimir Putin, addressing concerns over recent terrorism incidents in Russia linked to Islamic militants

Overheard in Russia:

Vladimir Putin

“I am only going to say this a few more times, President Obama, my African warrior friend. You need to carefully consider whether or not you really want to start anything in Syria. I do not care if Bashar al-Assad is using baby children doused in sarin as kindling wood to burn their parents as witches … Syria is our friend, just as Israel is your friend. And we both protect our friends. And it is no secret that there are experts in America who believe this chemical attack was orchestrated by the rebels to make poor Bashar look badly in the eyes of America. So do we believe the reports of American military intelligence—probably the same people who took you on a search for Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction? Or do we believe the other experts this time? Or does America just for once mind its own fucking business?”

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“Look, Vlad. I understand your position. But ever since I made that fucked-up comment about Syria crossing a ‘red line,' my ass, my legacy, have been at risk. America isn’t like Russia. I cannot just send a train full of opposition members on a one-way trip to Siberia, never to be heard from again.

President  Barack Obama

- - -

Vladimir Putin

“Trust me, that is too bad for you. There is no sound quite like that of your enemies being ripped from their lives and sent to concentration camp. Some things just make me happy and I do not know why.”

President Putin

Barack Obama

- - -

“I hate to stop you when you are being so eloquent, but I cannot do what you are asking. My dick is on the chopping block, Vlad, so do what you must.”

President Obama

Vladimir Putin

- - -

“Of course we will. We are Russia.”

President Putin

Overheard Somewhere:

Bashar al-Assad

"Ohhhhh.... African warrior president Barack Obama took one look at the ferocious Syrian army and decided he better think about it some more and get permission from his mommy. Maybe he is not the stupid man I thought him to be. Or maybe he is a big pussy boy."

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

Vladimir Putin

 - - -

"Bashar. Do not poke a tiger with a stick or it will turn you into a steak. Shut the fuck up."

Russian President Vladimir Putin

- - -

 

"You go ahead and speak your mind, Bashar the Sarin user. You have the right to believe what you want to believe and do what you want to do. Don't pay any attention to President Putin. Keep trash talking the United States. Yep. That will piss the public off and rev up our fury. Yep keep it up."

Secretary of State John Kerry

- - -

John McCain

"I for one am ashamed. I thought I was rubbing off on President Obama, but apparently not. Frankly, I think the president is a big fucking pussy for not acting on his own presidential powers and acting to be the commander in chief. How many more people will die before he acts? Personally, I would love to see him in 'Hamlet.'"

Sen. John Blood and Guts McCain (R-Arizona)

- - -

"I personally believe the Oval Office needs new drapes. I'd like to see a cute little rainbow motif with perhaps a nautical theme for the carpeting. It would be marveylicious!"

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina)