Overheard on Michelle Bachmann's Cellphone:

Michele Bachman

“Yes, it’s true, my campaign committee has issued payment of $14,000 to  the bankruptcy trustee for victims of convicted Ponzi schemer and former North Dakota pawn shop owner Frank Vennes. Ponzi schemer? That’s someone who schemes to look like Ponzi. Yes, Mr. Vennes  was convicted of laundering big time drug money laundering, as well as cocaine distribution and illegal firearm sales. HEY. This is America. Capitalism rules. Yes, Mr. Vennes' Ponzi victims are barely getting paid pennies on the dollar for their losses to Mr. Vennes. Yes, that money represents about 80 percent of the contributions Vennes and his wife made to my campaign, but not the $10,000 they gave my joint fundraising committee, nor the many, many, many thousands of dollars his friends and family donated to my campaigns. Yes, this was all reported by Mother Jones magazine, and yes, those liberal media types are a bunch of heathens sent by God to destroy me.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota)

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Michele Bachman

“Could I have a glass of water and two klonopin, please? OF COURSE I have a prescription.”

Rep. Bachmann

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Michele Bachmann

“Well, yes, it is true that after he donated a BOATLOAD of money to me, I petitioned the government in 2007 asking for  presidential pardon for Vennes. What? No, I don’t know if my doing so accelerated the donations to my campaign. Oh they did? I’m sure there was NO coincidence. Yes, it was unusual for me to make the petition because he lived outside of my district, but I really believe he is a great humanidorian and has repented. Yes, it’s true, the Ponzi scheme brought in more than $36 billion in a decade. What’s that have to do with me?”

Rep. Bachmann

Overheard on CNN:

Michele Bachmann

“Thirty million people are going to be  cut off their employer’s health insurance policies because of Obamacare.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann

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Wolf Blitzer

“Rep. Bachmann, that is bullshit.”

CNN host Wolf Blitzer.

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Michele Bachmann

“Women, children, kangaroos, and seniors will die from the Obamacare death panels, or from being given the wrong drugs by Obamacare zombies.”

Rep. Bachmann

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Wolf Blitzer

“Don’t you realize millions of Americans do not have insurance and this will allow them to get affordable coverage?”

Wolf Blitzer

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Michele Bachmann

“And then when the fairies all rain down from the gray clouds, they will steal all of the children with blond hair. And those fairies are part of Obamacare.”

Rep. Bachmann

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Wolf Blitzer

“Rep. Bachmann, there are parts of Obamacare you actually support—the right of parents to keep their kids on their policies until they're 26, that people with pre-existing conditions are allowed can purchase insurance no matter what? Why are you so opposed to it now?”

Wolf Blitzer

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Michele Bachmann

“After the fairies come down from the sky, giant spiders will rise up out of the earth and begin eating senior citizens—because they like their meat aged, you know. And when all of the seniors are gone, the Obamacare spiders will begin spinning webs and trapping women who are pregnant and they will eat those too. That’s how they will bring down costs.”

Rep. Bachmann

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Wolf Blitzer

“What in the hell are you talking about?”

Wolf Blitzer

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Michele Bachmann

“And once the spiders have laid their eggs inside all of the human hosts, Adolf Hitler will be brought back from the dead and he will lead an army of Obamacare spiders into battle with the Christian Resistance Force. I read all of this in the bible.”

Rep. Bachmann

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Wolf Blitzer

“The bible does NOT talk about Obamacare.”

Wolf Blitzer

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Michele Bachmann

“Sure it does. I’ve read it; you haven’t.”

Rep. Bachmann

Wolf Blitzer

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“That’s it. I’m done.”

Wolf Blitzer

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Michele Bachmann

“So you don’t want to hear about the giant frog men who come riding in on unicorns and how they eat all of the homosexuals? Except for my formerly gay husband, of course. Oh, Wolf, that’s the best part of Obamacare!!”

Rep. Bachmann