Overheard in Court:

Ronald W. Brown

“I was only kidding! I really wasn’t planning on kidnapping and raping, and then carving, cooking and eating a 3-year-old boy. It was just my FANTASY. I wasn’t going to really do it. Promise!”

Ronald William Brown, 59, a Florida puppeteer, sentenced to serve 20 years in jail for possessing child pornography and conspiring to kidnap a child. Brown was an active member of his church’s youth ministry and performed puppet shows for the congregation. He was also featured on a Florida Christian Television Network show. In addition to his prison term, Brown is also prohibited from ever having contact with children, required to register as a sex offender should he ever leave jail, and banned from ever again having access to a computer with Internet access.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Stacey Thompson

"Retaliation against the victim is a major part of the military rape culture? NO. It is part of our ENTIRE culture, from the child who is beat up when he says he was raped while a popular football coach did little or nothing to stop what was happening, to the female soldier who says she was drugged and then raped by her superior officer. It is victim-blaming and it is WRONG. Baseball is NOT America's favorite pastime: blaming the victim is."

Stacey Thompson, former lance corporal in the U.S. Marines who testified this week before members of congress about retaliation she faced when she reported being raped by her superior officer.

Overheard at the Vatican:

Jesus Christ

 "FRANNY! Oh, FRAN-N-N-N-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y! I was just hanging around and thought I'd stop by and deliver the news: You Catholics are SO fucked in Minnesota! Adults over age 24 now have NO statute of limitations on filing charges against the perpetrators who sexually assaulted them as children. You and your band of bitches better put the church's attorney on speed dial and get out your checkbook because we are talking MANY survivors here! You may need an ALL-NIGHT BINGO and a SPECIAL BUILDING FUND COLLECTION to pay this one off! This is SO exciting!"

Pope Francis I

Jesus Christ, son of God

- - -

"Jesus, how could you let this happen? You know I'm busy trying to help the poor. I have no taste for these raped children. Not any more. I am an old man; I have no time for the raping of children."

Pope Francis I

- - -

Jesus Christ

"Sorry, Franny, that's not how this works. First off, I didn't let anything happen. Things happen according to Father's plan. You are supposed to know that, ass wipe. As for cleaning up the mess YOU inherited, that is up to YOU, Franny. YOU get to wear the big hat, YOU get to talk to God without going through the switchboard, and therefore, YOU are responsible for EVERYTHING! Verily, verily, I say onto you, get ready for Pedophile-mageddon! You and I both know how bad those boys in Minnesota used to be."

Jesus Christ

Pope Francis I

- - -

"Whatever happened to the good old days when you could
give a kid a quarter out of thecollection plate and buy his silence for a lifetime?"

Pope Francis I

- - -

Jesus Christ

"It is going to cost you a HELLuva lot more than a quarter, Franny.If I didn't know it already; this proves it: there IS a God!"
Jesus Christ

Overheard on the Telephone:

Pope Francis I

 "Hey Chuck! Chucky! Chucky Hagel!" 
Pope Francis I

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Who in the FUCK is calling me AT THIS HOUR? Oh, it's you, your pontifness. Excuse my language."

U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"It's not a fucking problem, Chuck. Just kiss the GODDAM ring and let me exorcise your demons and all will be well."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"Done. Now what can I do for you?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I have a proposition for you, Chuck. A little wager."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"A wager father? Are you supposed to be gambling?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

  

"Oh, shut the fuck up, piss face, and listen to my goddam proposal. Here it is: We, the church, and you, the U.S. Department of Defense, should have a contest to see which one of us—the Church or the Defense Department—can sexually assault the most people—in our case children, in your case adult men and women—in a single week. Winner take all. I can cover up to a $1.5 million bet. You tell your guys to go all out and I'll tell mine to have twice the fun. It will be great."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"You realize that is pretty sick, right?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I'm not going to keep the money, Chuck. I will use it to feed the POOR! Well, most of it anyway. And you can just take it out of your defense budget."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"That's not what I meant. I meant betting on such a thing."

Chuck Hagel

  - - -

Pope Francis I

"Hey, the assaults are going to happen. Nothing you or I can do about that. So if it is going to happen, why don't you and I make a little side wager on it and maybe make a few bucks

on it?

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Your pontifness, I don't think you should even be saying this shit out loud. Maybe you've heard this: 'He sees you when you're sleeping. he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good'…"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

"Don't be such a pussy, Hagel. No wonder the United States

is losing the war."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Uhm…. which war is that?"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

  

"Uhmmmmm…. All of them? HA! I got that answer from my hero, Sarah Palin! I love her in that film she did—'Nailin' Palin.' It's a classic. Boy she really knows how to handle a peni…"

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

 - - -

 "...Your pontifness, I am HANGING UP now and we NEVER had this conversation."

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

 - - -

"Boy, what a LITTLE GIRL you turned out to be. Little girls…. little girls…. 'thank heaven, for little girls…' I haven't thought about little girls in months… Maybe I will just sit here for a while and enjoy my thoughts..."

Pope Francis

Overheard at the Vatican:

Angry Jesus

"POPE FRANCIS! You just had a priest in Pennsylvania indicted for possession of child pornography—LOTS of child pornography—and one in New Jersey arrested for hanging around with children when he was ORDERED not to do so. And both of them, were among those YOUR church shielded and moved around from parish to parish for years and years in some perverted game of Three-Card Monty. When in the FUCK are you going to get off your saggy ass and start doing something! Leave the poor alone for a while. They will still be hungry when you get back. Now it the time to do something for sexual assault survivors."

Jesus Christ, son of God