Overheard on the Telephone:

Pope Francis I

 "Hey Chuck! Chucky! Chucky Hagel!" 
Pope Francis I

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Who in the FUCK is calling me AT THIS HOUR? Oh, it's you, your pontifness. Excuse my language."

U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"It's not a fucking problem, Chuck. Just kiss the GODDAM ring and let me exorcise your demons and all will be well."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"Done. Now what can I do for you?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I have a proposition for you, Chuck. A little wager."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"A wager father? Are you supposed to be gambling?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

  

"Oh, shut the fuck up, piss face, and listen to my goddam proposal. Here it is: We, the church, and you, the U.S. Department of Defense, should have a contest to see which one of us—the Church or the Defense Department—can sexually assault the most people—in our case children, in your case adult men and women—in a single week. Winner take all. I can cover up to a $1.5 million bet. You tell your guys to go all out and I'll tell mine to have twice the fun. It will be great."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"You realize that is pretty sick, right?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I'm not going to keep the money, Chuck. I will use it to feed the POOR! Well, most of it anyway. And you can just take it out of your defense budget."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"That's not what I meant. I meant betting on such a thing."

Chuck Hagel

  - - -

Pope Francis I

"Hey, the assaults are going to happen. Nothing you or I can do about that. So if it is going to happen, why don't you and I make a little side wager on it and maybe make a few bucks

on it?

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Your pontifness, I don't think you should even be saying this shit out loud. Maybe you've heard this: 'He sees you when you're sleeping. he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good'…"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

"Don't be such a pussy, Hagel. No wonder the United States

is losing the war."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Uhm…. which war is that?"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

  

"Uhmmmmm…. All of them? HA! I got that answer from my hero, Sarah Palin! I love her in that film she did—'Nailin' Palin.' It's a classic. Boy she really knows how to handle a peni…"

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

 - - -

 "...Your pontifness, I am HANGING UP now and we NEVER had this conversation."

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

 - - -

"Boy, what a LITTLE GIRL you turned out to be. Little girls…. little girls…. 'thank heaven, for little girls…' I haven't thought about little girls in months… Maybe I will just sit here for a while and enjoy my thoughts..."

Pope Francis