Overheard on the Telephone:

Pope Francis I

 "Hey Chuck! Chucky! Chucky Hagel!" 
Pope Francis I

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Who in the FUCK is calling me AT THIS HOUR? Oh, it's you, your pontifness. Excuse my language."

U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"It's not a fucking problem, Chuck. Just kiss the GODDAM ring and let me exorcise your demons and all will be well."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"Done. Now what can I do for you?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I have a proposition for you, Chuck. A little wager."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"A wager father? Are you supposed to be gambling?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

  

"Oh, shut the fuck up, piss face, and listen to my goddam proposal. Here it is: We, the church, and you, the U.S. Department of Defense, should have a contest to see which one of us—the Church or the Defense Department—can sexually assault the most people—in our case children, in your case adult men and women—in a single week. Winner take all. I can cover up to a $1.5 million bet. You tell your guys to go all out and I'll tell mine to have twice the fun. It will be great."

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

- - -

"You realize that is pretty sick, right?"

Chuck Hagel

- - -

Pope Francis I

"I'm not going to keep the money, Chuck. I will use it to feed the POOR! Well, most of it anyway. And you can just take it out of your defense budget."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"That's not what I meant. I meant betting on such a thing."

Chuck Hagel

  - - -

Pope Francis I

"Hey, the assaults are going to happen. Nothing you or I can do about that. So if it is going to happen, why don't you and I make a little side wager on it and maybe make a few bucks

on it?

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Your pontifness, I don't think you should even be saying this shit out loud. Maybe you've heard this: 'He sees you when you're sleeping. he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good'…"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

"Don't be such a pussy, Hagel. No wonder the United States

is losing the war."

Pope Francis

- - -

Chuck Hagel

"Uhm…. which war is that?"

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

- - -

  

"Uhmmmmm…. All of them? HA! I got that answer from my hero, Sarah Palin! I love her in that film she did—'Nailin' Palin.' It's a classic. Boy she really knows how to handle a peni…"

Pope Francis

Chuck Hagel

 - - -

 "...Your pontifness, I am HANGING UP now and we NEVER had this conversation."

Chuck Hagel

Pope Francis I

 - - -

"Boy, what a LITTLE GIRL you turned out to be. Little girls…. little girls…. 'thank heaven, for little girls…' I haven't thought about little girls in months… Maybe I will just sit here for a while and enjoy my thoughts..."

Pope Francis

Overheard in the NFL:

Roethlisberger

"What the hell is it with all of these high school football players sexually assaulting teenage girls? Don't these high school athletes have any honor?"

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, who faced NFL suspension for six games at the start of the 2010 season following two incidents involving sexual misconduct allegations in 2009 and 2010. (No criminal charges were filed in connection with either incident.)

- - -

 

Taylor

 

 

 

"Damn kids."

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor, who became a registered sex offender in 2010 after pleading guilty to misdemeanor charges of sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. He originally was charged with third-degree rape of a 16-year-old in connection with the incident.

- - -

 

"Where are they learning this stuff?"

Former NFL linebacker Nate Webster who, in June 2012, was found guilty of four counts of unlawful sexual conduct with a 15-year-old girl in 2009. Webster played with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cincinnati Bengals and Denver Broncos during his eight-year NFL career. He was sentenced to 12 years in prison. The girl was the daughter of a former Bengal employee. Nate threatened to kill the girl and her family if she told anyone and during one encounter, raped her at gunpoint.