Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

"My Name in Vain! My Name in Vain! My Name in Vain with the middle Initial 'H'! At a time when the Catholic Church needs to come together, to heal, to mend, and to stand up for all of the fucked up shit it has deposited upon humanity, those stupid-ass cardinals picked as the new pope a really old man from South America who calls gay marriage a 'destructive attack on God's plan.' What a load of shit. Did the Cardinals pick someone who will be a ferocious advocate for children sexually assaulted by the pedophiles the church has protected for centuries? NO. Did they pick someone who would advocate for changes in the church's views on gender and sexuality? NO. Did they pick someone who would tell the faithful in Africa to please use condoms to stop the spread of AIDS? NO. Did the Cardinals pick someone who will usher in a new era of love and reconciliation for the church? NO. And by the way, Francis, my Father is in favor of gay marriage, and if any of you cardinals EVER bothered to ask, he'd tell you so. Fucking dickheads."

Jesus Christ, son of God

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals

"OK guys, before we get to work here, I would like us to consider making honorary priest, Father Jerry Sandusky of Pennsylvania, U.S.A., a saint. Yeah, I know he is not dead yet, but in light of the miracle he performed, I'd like to see that rule waived. His miracle? Two actually. First, that it took so bloody long for him to get caught, and second, that he was only charged with but a small fraction of his actual offenses. He is a pedophile of whom we can all be proud--or at least jealous! Let's have a cheer: Jer-ry. JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"

The Cardinals

Jesus Christ

- - -

"Listen up, Funny Hat Brigade. You are actually managing the unthinkable: you are starting to piss off Jesus Christ, the son of God, something that is damn hard to do. If you actually make Jerry the Pedophile a saint, prepare for plagues. I'm talking locusts, lightning, frogs, giant beetles, snakes, kumquats, kazoo parades, small children with runny noses, telemarketers, and a 24-hour Brittney Spears concert. ALL AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure Father will sanction it when I tell him what you are considering. Fucking ingrates. Don't you know the meaning of the word propriety? What? No, I don't have a lamb today. Friday is cheeseburger night here in Heaven. I'll bet that pisses the Catholics off after all those years of 'Fish on Friday.' HA! And no, I'm not carrying a cow around. A lamb is easy to carry. A steer is a lot more cumbersome. What would I do with it, balance it on my head? I could do that but it would look pretty stupid, don't you think?"

 

Jesus Christ

Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals tallied 88 wins and 74 losses
during the 2012 season

"OK. For the new pope, we need someone who has never raped a child, never concealed the rape of a child, never had sex with another priest, never had sex with a male prostitute, never had sex with a woman, never had sex with himself, never had sex with an animal, vegetable or mineral, never had a hand in any kind of criminal wrongdoing, is willing to embrace the changing role of women in the church, and will accept the societal changes that are occurring without going off the deep end. OK, we've got nobody. Let's just all go the fuck home."

 Cardinals now gathered at the Vatican to begin the process of selecting a new pope