Overheard at the Vatican:

The Cardinals tallied 88 wins and 74 losses
during the 2012 season

"OK. For the new pope, we need someone who has never raped a child, never concealed the rape of a child, never had sex with another priest, never had sex with a male prostitute, never had sex with a woman, never had sex with himself, never had sex with an animal, vegetable or mineral, never had a hand in any kind of criminal wrongdoing, is willing to embrace the changing role of women in the church, and will accept the societal changes that are occurring without going off the deep end. OK, we've got nobody. Let's just all go the fuck home."

 Cardinals now gathered at the Vatican to begin the process of selecting a new pope