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| The Cardinals |
"Wait... we're about to go deep undercover to talk
about a new pope and instead you want us to talk publicly about BOTH child
sexual assaults by priests AND the financial problems with the Vatican Bank? You
also want us to talk public about how parts of the Catholic Church operate very
much like organized crime? And the amazing
collection of art the church holds? The vast amounts of precious metals and
jewels we hold in our vaults? Well fuck all of you. We only started giving
out information about the sexual assaults to shift your attention away from the
bank and other issues and now you want it all. Don't you realize who we are?
What we stand for?"
The Cardinals Conclave
- - -
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| Jesus Christ, king of bling |
"You know, if I hear one more pundit—particularly that passive-aggressive bey-otch Peggy Noonan—calling on the
church to 'turn the corner' on the child sexual assault scandals I'm going to
puke lepers onto the streets of Rome. 'Turn the corner'? TURN THE FUCKING CORNER? Does that mean turn the corner and
put it all behind you? It doesn't work that way. What the church needs to do is
to redeem itself in a real and tangible way, say paying for the creation of international
service organization to help ALL child sexual assault victims and fund it for
the next 50 years—or preferably for as long as the church's representatives
have been raping children—without risk of funding being decreased. That would
be an appropriate start, you bunch of assholes. As for the bank and all of your
glitter and riches, it is time to stop. QUIT TAKING MONEY FROM PEOPLE. And
while you are at it, start allowing women to be priests and bishops. Let your gays in the closet—I love them too, you stupid fuckers. You need
to start all of this soon. The day of reckoning is near. (Fuck I love saying
that. Thank you fundamentalists.) Oh, and notice my bling. It's dress-up day
here. We wear our fancy hats with class up here."
Jesus Christ, son of God
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| Bill Maher |
- - -
"Holy chicken fuckers! I actually agree with Jesus on
this one, and that's pretty big since I don't even believe he exists. I'm going
to have to get REALLY stoned to ponder this one."
Bill Maher, comedian/author/commentator and host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher
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