Overheard at Rick's House:

Rick Santorum

Things ALL Conservative
Christians believe:

 By Rick Santorum

• ·  Sarah Palin was a virgin on her wedding night
• · Sarah Palin is still a virgin. All five children were virgin births
• · Well, four anyway. That retarded boy, Trig, wasn’t a virgin birth. God wouldn’t make a ‘tard, so it had to be Todd
• · Gay conversion therapy works 
•   ‘Religious freedom’ trumps the right to birth control
• · ‘Religious freedom’ trumps anything the Supreme Court has to say 
• · Gay marriage will make straight people gay, even if they only just visit the home of a gay person
• · Gay people don’t love one another. They can’t. Neither one of them has a vagina.
• · ‘S-A-N-T-A’ is just a misspelling of ‘S-A-T-A-N’
• · Noah’s Ark is real
• · If a girl gets raped, it’s because she dressed like a slut
• · If a boy gets raped, he shouldn’t have been Catholic
• · Democrats have horns
• · Welfare checks are signed by The Antichrist
• · President Obama is the Antichrist as well, just like the guy who signs welfare checks
• · Heaven is located near Jupiter
• · It isn’t 72 “virgins” the Muslims will receive when they arrive in heaven—it’s 72 “Virgils,” because all Muslims are gay rednecks and God hates them
• · No Muslims are really going to heaven; it’s all a ruse
• · The same is true for Hindus and Buddhists, because God hates them too
• · Some blacks may be in heaven, but only if they have a waiver signed by Charlton Heston or Sarah Palin
• · Priests don’t really rape children; they just like them a lot
• · God hates condoms because they just don’t feel right
• · Women should be seen and not heard, particularly when they find out they are pregnant with their tenth child because their spouse won’t allow birth control or use condoms
• · Children should be seen and not heard as well
• · Ditto for barnyard animals that have been anally raped, usually by a Conservative Christians
• · Masturbation is a vile sin perpetrated by Democrats
• · God allows Republicans to be Democrats for up to 20 minutes a day, but they have to be in the bathroom when they do it and then they change back
• · The need to help your fellow man is a myth
• · The parables of Jesus were more like guidelines, and not really rules for living
• · Ann Coulter is brilliant
• · So is Sarah Palin
• · Scratch the latter. She’s just good people.

(To be continued.)