Overheard Everywhere:

John Boehner

"I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I think the IRS is hiding something and that's why one IRS employee, out of ALL of the IRS employees who testified and answered who knows HOW MANY questions, declined to subject herself to the belligerence, hate, anger, and moral superiority of House Committee hell bent on burning some witches. Now I ask you again: who is going to jail over whatever it is these IRS bastards are doing? And note how all of this is making me smile ALL THE TIME. It kinda hurts. I don't understand smiling."

Speaker of the House John Boehner, whose personal fortune is estimated at between $1.7 and $5.5 million.

- - -

Lindsay Lohan

 "All right, Mr. Boner. I'll confess. I'm the one who did it. I was trying to screw the teabaggers. I did it. Now get me the FUCK out of rehab so I can have my Adderall again. Send me to jail, right now, only make it the MALE jail so that I can make enough money to pay for my rehab." 

Lindsay Lohan, addict/troubled celebrity/drunken driver/thief

- - -

Paris Hilton

"No Lindsay, don't do it. The guys in
jail only pay you in cigarettes. Even the guards. I've tried paying for things with cigarettes before. No one accepts them. They aren't nearly as cool as food stamps
or aluminum cans and plastic bottles. I'm hot, you're hot, poverty is hot, as long as it doesn't last long. Wow. I'm lucky I have clothes on otherwise I'd be staring right into my vagina. That'd be scary."

Paris Hilton, heiress/reality TV star/addict

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Darrell Issa

"Wow. It turns out I knew about the IRS targeting of TEA Party groups seeking charity status with the IRS all the way back in Summer 2012. I received a memo about it and I even acknowledged it in a public hearing. Yet, here I am raging with righteous indignation over the problem and pretending as if I have never heard a thing. Shit. I guess I fucked up. Good thing I don't have to apologize or even admit it publicly. God, it is good to be a Republican—especially a filthy rich Republican."

Rep. Darrell Issa (R- California), who is the second wealthiest member of the House of Representatives with a net worth valued at $215 to $745 million

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Harry Reid

"I hope the American people do all realize this IRS and Associated Press stuff is a bunch of shit designed to take attention away from real problems, damage Hillary Clinton as a potential candidate in 2016, and to keep the president from making any progress on his second-term agenda? Hell, I'm one hair away from being a chimpanzee and even I see that."

Harry Reid (D-Nevada), Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate, a man who historically never introduces legislation his favorite lobbyists don't request. His personal worth is estimated at somewhere between $3 and $10 million.

- - -

Mitch McConnell

"Yep, it is all just a bunch of shit. There is not one ounce of real substance to any of it. You caught me, Harry baby! But the American people believe these things are important, and you stupid Democrats fall into this trap every damn time. You are all so fucking stupid."

Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), whose personal fortune is estimated at $50 million.

- - -

Harry Reid

"We didn't hear one goddam word when the IRS inappropriately targeted the NAACP, Green Peace, and
liberal CHURCHES, for God's sake, while George W. Bush
was in office. Where was your righteous indignation
then, McConnell? Shithead!"

Sen. Reid

Mitch McConnell

- - -

"I don't recall any of that. I don't think that happened at all."

Sen. McConnell

Harry Reid

- - -

"God, you suck. It damn well did happen. Shouldn't you be over at your neighbor's house fucking his poodle?"

Sen. Reid

Mitch McConnell

- - -

"I would be, I paid for my time and all, but YOUR WIFE is busy with it right now."

Sen. McConnell

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Barack Obama

"I finally get it. I totally understand why people hate the goddam IRS. I know I do."

President Barack Obama, who is up to his ears in IRS related distractions stemming from the targeting of conservative TEA Party related groups seeking status as non-profit--and therefore untaxed--certification.