Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Saxby Chambliss

C

"I'm not gay, so I'm not going to marry one, though it's pretty clear my parents assumed I would turn out gay when they named me. I don't believe I've ever quite forgiven them. I intend to explore my hateful feelings for them in my retirement. Saxby. Jesus Christ. What a fucking name."

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), who believes he was being clever this week he has no intention of ever changing his opposition to gay marriage, no matter what the public—and presumably his constituents—might want him to do. Chambliss will retire at the end of 2014.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

Michele Bachmann

"Yes, at last week's CPAC, I certainly was bashing the Obama White House for lavish spending and excesses. I even criticized the Obamas for having a dog walker. There was just one problem with that. I was wrong. In fact, I was totally full of shit. Some might even say I was lying my ass off. The Obama White House actually spends $200 million per year less to operate than the Bush White House spent. And there is no dog walker. There is no goddam dog walker, all right? None. Nada. Whooooooopppppsssss. Oh well. What are a few facts between friends. We're all friends, right?"

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), unsuccessful candidate for the GOP's nomination for president in 2012 and a TEA Party favorite. Bachmann has demonstrated a penchant for using fictitious material when discussing President Obama and his family.

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

"My favorability rating is dropping! Sonuvabitch, my favorability rating is dropping! I wonder if there is any connection with the rating drop and the fact that I am a completely amoral dishonest bastard capable only of lies, deceit, and underhanded maneuvers? Or could it be that I am incapable of having a single workable useful idea that I can call my own? No, it couldn't be any of that. No surprise there! It must be my hair. You people just don't like my hair. Come on. Tell the truth."

Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), chairman of the U.S. House GOP Budget Committee

Overheard in Washington, D.C.:

"Muahhhhhhha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Did you really think you could get any gun control legislation or universal background checks passed by the NRA's Congress? We OWN your congressmen and senators. YOU don't even elect them; we do. If you really think you can beat us, you need to lay off the lead paint chips at lunchtime. I don't care how many little kids or grandmothers or congresswomen are mowed down in mass shootings. You will never get gun control legislation passed. "

Wayne LaPierre, who earns $1.3 million a year as chief executive officer of the National Rifle Association

Overheard Somewhere:

Karl Rove

"So, Sarah Palin thinks I should run for office instead of being a consultant? Nah. I'm too fat and bald for that and I make WAY-Y-Y-Y more money as a consultant. I can offer a lot of suggestions for what I believe Mrs. Palin should do with the rest of her life, though, and all of them involve a red-hot poker and a waffle iron. Call me, Sarah, sweetie. I'll be glad to share my suggestions them with you. Half-wit bitch." 

Karl Rove, GOP strategist, former chief aid to President George W. Bush, and escaped demon from hell

Overheard in the Senate:

Dianne Feinstein

"Why is it that male senators choose to speak to women senators with an air of condescension that barely disguises just how fucking stupid they themselves are and demonstrates just how quickly they would sell their own wife, mother, or daughter to the highest campaign contributor?"

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-California), who this week introduced legislation that would ban 157 military-style assault weapons and high capacity magazines from being sold to the public. But fear not: Americans would still have their choice of 2,200 legal types of firearms.