Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Overheard on George Washington's Cellphone:


George Washington

“Another one of these GODDAM myths about me: despite that fucking stained-glass window in the Congressional Prayer Room at the Capitol and that HORRID 2-cent stamp from 1928, I never EVER went down on my knees and prayed in the snow at Valley Forge. First, homey don’t get down on his knees for anyone. Second, it was fucking snowing. Would you get down on your knees? Third, as I keep telling you, I was not a Christian as such and couldn’t have cared less about theology. I went to various denominations of churches and synagogues on occasion but made it a point to NEVER kneel or take communion. AND I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT MENTION JESUS ON MY DEATHBED. I was too busy DYING. More than anything, I practiced Stoicism, which you can go look up, you lazy motherfuckers. What I did have was a great respect for the beliefs of everyone, no matter how ridiculous they seemed to be. That is what being an American is all about.”


George Washington, believed to be the father of our country, though paternity tests are inconclusive

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