Friday, March 14, 2014

Overheard Outside the Senate Bath House:



John McCain

“Lindsey, grab your ‘go bag!’ We are taking the red-eye to Kiev. I’ve got to get over there and find out for myself what the situation is because I don’t believe the shit I’m hearing. Russian troops amassing on the border! Crimean residents arming themselves with pitchforks! Vladimir Putin personally bitchslapping anyone he wants! Dogs OD'ing on catnip … “

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona)





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Lindsey Graham


“Oh, Johnny. If ever there was a situation that demanded a hero, this is it. Grab your lasso, cowboy, because this here cowgirl is primed and READY to RIDE! Oh, the thrill of you and me flying off into the face of danger once again, the real leaders of this great big free world of ours.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina)





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John McCain

“But Lindsey, I’ve told you before, taking you anywhere near Russia is a dangerous proposition. They don’t like 'ambiguously gay' men over there and they really detest 'flaming cocksuckers,' so regardless of how you define yourself, you’ve got to tone it down a notch—for your own sake, my friend.”
Sen. McCain




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Lindsey Graham


“YOU’RE ASHAMED OF ME, AREN’T YOU! That’s what’s going on here!”


Sen. Graham





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John McCain


“No, Linds. I’ve never been ashamed of you or the chemistry we have when we are saving the nation. I just don’t want to put you at risk. You are too valuable to me as a friend.”
Sen. McCain





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Lindsey Graham


“'Friend', huh? That’s what you call me? Do all of your ‘friends’ give you hand jobs using warm butter-flavored substitute they have purloined from the popcorn stand at the movie theater? Hmmm? Only a REALLY good friend would do that.”
Sen. Graham





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John McCain


“I don’t know what you are talking about there, but let’s just get in the car and get moving.”
Sen. McCain




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Lindsey Graham

“Oh, Johnny. This is just like the time we were out in Omaha! There we were dressed in our best taffeta party gowns and headed out to the Omaha Mining Co. on Leavenworth Street! We walked in that front door expecting to see a bunch of drag queens, but all we found were 30 leather boys pounding away on that poor fellow dressed as the pope! They looked up at us and I thought—HOPED, I really HOPED—we’d be taking the place of the pope, but my little POW jumped in front of me and screamed, ‘No one lays a hand on the lady!’”
Sen. Graham





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John McCain



“Sen. Graham, here you are off on yet another of your wild yarns. I am glad there is no one here to listen to this nonsense.”
Sen. McCain





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Lindsey Graham

“Well, there was no nonsense to be had when you pulled that Rambo-sized hunting knife out of your … where was it again? … and started threatening people! The memory of you just waiving that knife around IN MY HONOR just makes my panties wet all over again, Johnny!”


Sen. Graham





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John McCain
“It was in my corset, Linds. Where else would you keep a hunting knife! Shocked the hell out of those pig farmers, didn’t I? I mean … er … uhmSen. Graham, why do you keep telling these stories when I have no clue as to what you are talking about? You can see how uncomfortable it makes me, can’t you.”
Sen. McCain




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Lindsey Graham

“That’s just you feeling a little tingle in your Johnson, Johnny-cakes. A little twitch, you just want me to itch?”


Sen. Graham





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John McCain




“That’s it. Willies Alert! Discussion is over. Willies Alert!”
Sen. McCain

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