Overheard on the Campaign Trail:

Donald Trump

“Do you morons out there really believe I’d ever run for office? My ego is too big and fragile and my penis is way too small for that to ever happen! Yet, you fall for it every time! I love it!”

Donald Trump, business mogul/reality TV star, on the alleged presidential campaign trail

Overheard in Heaven:

Jesus Christ

 “Donald Trump says he's practically my twin brother? He is a bully, a brute, a self-important, piece of perpetual pomposity perfectly poised to promote his persona in an age where bullshit and nonsense are commonly adopted as truth. He is a megalomaniac of monumental proportions. On the official Scale of Dickitude, The Donald tops that rat bastard Judas. Look at it this way: I’m Jesus Christ. I LOVE EVERYONE—except The Donald and pedophiles.  The Donald is the one human not made in my father’s image. Verily, verily, I say unto all of you: do not listen to this man, because like all charlatans with bad toupees, he will lead you into disaster. And yes, dammit. I am back on the mutton. I was in rehab with Lindsay Lohan trying to kick the stuff after PETA sent up some really nasty prayers. I thought I had that particular wooly monkey off my back, but no such luck. Thankfully, Mother really likes to knit.”

Jesus Christ

Overheard at the Family Leadership Summit:

Donald 'The Messiah' Trump

“The next president of the United States will need to be incredibly brilliant, very respected, and someone who possesses incredible business acumen. You know, I’ve been sitting in my hotel room all morning trying to think of someone who meets all of those qualifications and the only person I can come up with is, well … ME! From now on, don’t’ call me ‘The Donald.’ Please refer to me as ‘The Messiah’ or ‘The Second Coming.’ Jesus and I are only one bad haircut and a beard away from being twin brothers, you know.  Jesus was the twin who freed the slaves, and I am the twin who used slaves to build my empire. Jesus was the twin who was nailed to the cross, and I am the twin who gets crossed when I don’t get nailed, if you catch my drift. Jesus rode around on an ass; I sit on mine in the back seat of my Mercedes-Benz while someone else drives. See? Practically twins.”

Donald ‘The Messiah’ Trump who may be considering another run for the Republican nomination for president. God bless America.

Overheard in New York City:

Donald Trump

"There would be no sexual assaults if you didn't have women in the military."

Donald Trump, business mogul, author, toupee wearer, and mean-spirited reality television star.

 - - -

 

"Excuse me, Mister Trump. But what about all of the men who are sexually assaulted?"

Mister Ed, famous talking horse and Fox News pundit.

Donald Trump

 - - -

"Shut the fuck up, Ed. You're fired. Get out of here."

 Donald Trump

Overheard on 'Real Time With Bill Maher':

"Donald Trump can just kiss my ass. Pucker up, buttercup."

Comedian/author/commentator Bill Maher, responding to Trump's plan to sue him for not following through with a $5 million donation to Trump's favorite charity Maher pledged to make if Trump would make his birth certificate public and prove that his father was not an orangutan.