 |
| Barack Obama |
“Premier
Putin? I think we need to talk.”
President
Barack Obama
 |
| Vladimir Putin |
-
- -
“My favorite African
warrior president! What do we have to talk about this time? What have I done to
offend America this time?”
Russian President
Vladimir Putin
|
| Barack Obama |
-
- -
“I
think you know what.”
President
Obama
|
| Vladimir Putin |
-
- -
“Oh, you mean Mr.
Edward ‘Spyboy’ Snowden! Yes, he is still here taking up space at airport
terminal.”
President Putin
|
| Barack Obama |
-
- -
“We
can remedy that problem. We have asked you repeatedly to turn him over to us,
and yet you refuse. You refuse me and you refuse Secretary of State John
Kerry.”
President
Obama
-
- -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“We have no treaty of
extradition, Mr. Barack Obama, so we have no obligation to turn anyone over
ever. If they come to Russia, and want to stay, we consider it. End of story.
And Horseface Johnny? He doesn’t have a good argument for anything. A lot of
words come out his mouth, but he never seems to say anything.”
President Putin
 |
| John Kerry |
-
- -
“Thank
you, Premier Putin, I will talk to you again soon.”
Secretary
of State John Kerry
-
- -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
"I cannot wait. As you Americans say, 'I will count the minutes until then.'"
|
| Barack Obama |
President Putin
-
- -
“Look, Premier Putin,
don’t you see that you are damaging our relationship by being such a cunt? We
don’t want our relationship to go back to where it was before, you know, the
Cold War and all of that nonsense.”
|
| Vladimir Putin |
President Obama
-
- -
“Of
course not. Bad that would be. But do you understand just how much fun I am
having watch you squirm? Pushing you off that moral high horse you ride into
town on is for me good fun.”
President Putin
|
| Barack Obama |
-
- -
“At least one of us
is having fun. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get you
to cooperate on Iran and Syria
and you keep blowing me off.”
President Obama
-
- -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“Vladimir
Putin does not blow anyone. Ever. How dare you!”
President Putin
|
| Barack Obama |
-
- -
“I didn't mean 'a blowjob,' dickhead. I said ‘blowing me off,’ as in ‘just pushing aside my requests’.”
President Obama
-
- -
|
| Vladimir Putin |
“If
you want someone to be, how you say, blowing you off, you need to talk to Mrs.
First Lady or Sen. Lindsey Graham. I know he also is a fan of doing this. I
think this call is over. I will not sit here and give advice on sex to the
American President. Good day, my African warrior friend.”
President Putin
-
- -
 |
| Mitch McConnell |
“Nice job, Mr.
President!” You really pulled that off! You are one slick dude. You probably
just set Russian-United States relations back 100 years. Next time, why don’t
you let Vice President Biden do the talking and when he fucks it up, we can
just blame it on his mental retardation. They know him; they will believe it.”
|
| Barack Obama |
Sen. Mitch McConnell
-
- -
“Shut
the fuck up, McConnell. Don’t you have a leper to pinch somewhere?”
|
| Mitch McConnell |
President
Obama
-
- -
“As a matter of fact,
I do, but I can’t seem to locate Michelle anywhere.”
 |
| Barack Obama |
-
- -
“Bachmann?
I suspect she is up in the attic. That’s where we keep the crazy and infirmed nowadays. It's legal.”
President
Obama
-
- -
“Nice sidestep!
Damn. You’re getting better. Keep it up and you just might be allowed to sit at
the grown-up table next year at Thanksgiving.”
Sen. McConnell
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