"My good friend Charlie Sheen gave me a guest spot on
his sitcom, but when I left, I took a whole bunch of stuff with me I apparently
wasn't supposed to take. Don't they know who I am? Pawning that stuff will give
me one day off from blowing sailors. I need it. Shit! My jaw hurts."
Lindsay Lohan, addict/troubled celebrity/drunken driver/thief
- - -
"Aw come on, Lindsay! Blowing sailors is fun! You don't
want to miss a day! If you're not there, who will I throw up with after lunch?"
Paris Hilton, heiress/reality TV star/addict
- - -
"OK. But after we get our drug money for the day—you know,
after 30 sailors—let's stop off and give our confessions, OK? We want to avoid
the Easter rush."
Lindsay Lohan
- - -
"Remember: I'm hot. Sailors are hot. You're hot. The
things you took from Charlie's TV show are hot. Curling irons are hot, too, so you shouldn't masturbate with
them."
Paris Hilton
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