Overheard in the Oval Office:

Mitch McConnell

“Now, Mr. President, you wanted this health care law, and now you want to delay implementation of the requirement for businesses with more than 50 employees to provide health insurance or face fines of $2,000 a day. The biggest thing wrong with that is you don’t have that kind of authority! The second thing wrong with it is I say if you don’t want your signature health care bill to go into effect, we should just repeal the whole damn thing. It’s a terrible law, and you are pretty much a terrible person doing a terrible job of running the country because you have terrible leadership skills. Actually, you're not a terrible leader; you're not a leader at all.”

 Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky)

Barack Obama

- - -

“And you are old, mean, cranky, and holding on to your seat in the Senate barely. Bashing me in Kentucky, where they don’t much care for me—well, hell, you may be able to ride that horse all the way through to re-election. You are one cagey old bastard. Admit it, McConnell, the only time you might offer me support would be if I proposed making ‘My Old Kentucky Home’ our new national anthem.”

President Barack Obama (D-Illinois)

Mitch McConnell

- - -

“Mr. President, what the hell are you talking about? You can’t replace ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ with anything! I can’t believe you would even propose such a thing. Shame on you! And at a time when this country faces so many challenges on every front, you want to divert peoples’ attention to a stupid idea? Sen. Graham! Come over here.”

Lindsey Graham

Sen. McConnell

- - -

“I love it when you speak so FORCEFULLY, Mitchy. You are SOOOO manly. What do you need, my little macho man?”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina)

Mitch McConnell

- - -

“President Obama has just proposed replacing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ with ‘My Old Kentucky’ home as our national anthem. Can you believe that? And worse yet, I think he is suggesting it to gain favor with ME!”

Sen. McConnell

Lindsey Graham

- - -

“Mr. President, have you taken leave of your senses? If you are going to replace ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ with anything, I think you should use ‘Afternoon Delight’ by the Starland Vocal Band. Everyone loves that song because it is just so easy to sing and who DOESN'T like a little afternoon delight?”

Sen. Graham

Barack Obama

- - -

"McConnell, you know damn right well I haven’t proposed anything of the sort. How is it that you have lived this long? I am surprised no one has killed you before this.  God, I hate you. You may well be the biggest pain in the ass that I deal with.”

President Obama

Lindsey Graham

- - -

“Oh no, Mr. President. I can offer you a MUCH BIGGER pain in the ass than that! If you’d like, we can go somewhere and DISCUSS it.”

Sen. Graham

- - -

John McCain

“Stop! Stop! President Obama, don’t you go anywhere with Sen. Graham. You don't know where his hands, or anything else, may have been. You have your reputation to protect! Go on! Get out of here, Graham. I’ve got a new trick I learned over the Fourth of July holiday. I can replace your lungs with two inflatable latex gloves using only a carrot peeler, a cork screw and two feet of aluminum siding. Are you game?”

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona)

Lindsey Graham

- - -

“WELL! I know when I’m not wanted. I can take a hint.
Toodles, Mr. President! Love ya, bye, Mitchy!”

Sen. Graham

Mitch McConnell

- - -

“Sen. McCain, I’m glad you are here because you need to know this. President Obama is proposing replacing the ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ with ‘My Old Kentucky Home’ as our national anthem, all in an attempt to gain favor with me. What do you think of that?”

Sen. McConnell

- - -

John McCain

“I don’t think anything of it at all. You’re just trying to piss with the president, Sen. McConnell. You know, you are a really nasty sonuvabitch when you set your mind to it. I owe my life to this man and when you jerk him around, you are jerking ME around. Now get the fuck out of here McConnell before I decide your testicles would make nice earrings. Why don’t you go somewhere and grow a chin?”

Mitch McConnell

Sen. McCain

- - -

“I have a chin, asshole. Can't you see it? It's right here in the middle of my face.”

Sen. McConnell

John McCain

- - -

 

“Yeah, you’ve got a chin, all right: a ferret’s chin. Go on. Get the

fuck outta here.”

Barack Obama

Sen. McCain

- - -

“That was very kind of you, Sen. McCain, but you don’t really owe me your life.”

President Obama

- - -

John McCain

 “Of course I do. You saved my life countless times when we were fighting together in the ghettos of Honolulu when we growing up, just as you rescued me from that POW camp in 1973 using only a worn pair of chop sticks, three birthday candles and a bad Vietnamese accent. I remember it all, Mr. President. You saved me from certain death more times than I can count. Now, tell me, why would you ever consider changing the national anthem? Are you fucking nuts or what?”

Sen. McCain